Laugh Tracks in the Dust 11-15-10 | TheFencePost.com
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Laugh Tracks in the Dust 11-15-10

Well, the mid-term elections are over and the best thing about them is that they’re over. No more irritating political television commercials interrupting my peaceful evening naps.

Funny thing happened the day after the elections. I called my financial adviser/stockbroker, ol’ Putsun Kahls, and asked him in light of the election results what he’d recommend that I buy to better secure my future.

Without hesitating for a moment, Putsun told me, “Canned goods and ammunition.”

After considering the political gridlock we’re probably gonna have for the next two years, his advice is sounding better and better.

***

I hadn’t heard from my ne’er-do-well buddy ol’ A.C. Doocey from Asbury, Mo., recently, so I gave him a call a week or so ago. You’ll recall from past columns that A.C. has a lot of human weaknesses including alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, and carousing all night.

When I asked him how his life wuz going, he replied, “About like normal, Milo. I’d been down to one of the casinos most of the night and on my way home I got pulled over by the police. The officer asked where I wuz going in such a hurry and I told him I wuz on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol, cigarettes and late nights on the human body.”   

“The policeman replied skeptically, ‘Really? And who is going to give a lecture on those topics at this time of night?'”

I told him, ” ‘My wife – if you’ll let me go on home!’ I guess he thought that would be punishment enuf because he didn’t give me a ticket.”

***

Speaking of traffic tickets, I got this e-mail from a kindly reader in Brush, Colo.

He said he wuz sending his wife to town to buy some farm implement parts and she got pulled over by a highway patrolman.

He said his wife tried to get out of the ticket by batting her eyes at the officer and saying, “I didn’t think police officers would give a traffic ticket to a pretty woman?”

The officer grinned at her and said politely as he continued to write out her ticket, “You’re right, ma’am. We don’t. Please sign here.”

***

And from way up in northeast Missouri, I get this story:

A young employee at a farm equipment dealership asked if he could have a private conversation with the owner of the establishment.

The owner invited the employee into his office and said, “What’s on your mind?”

The employee nervously sat down and said, “Well sir, as you know, I’ve been an employee of this outstanding company for more than five years. During that time, I hope you’ve noticed my hard work, pro-activeness to take on additional responsibilities, and loyalty to the company. So, I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like – and feel I deserve – a raise. I thought you should be the first to know that I currently have four companies after me. But I thought I needed to talk to you first.”

Arching his eyebrows, the bossman replied, “A raise? Times are kind of tough right now. But, I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on your life, too. Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want you to start an experience-drain amongst the employees, I guess the company can offer you a five percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?”

The employee took a big sigh of relief and gushed, “Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!”

As the employee turned to go, his boss asked, “Before you go, just out of curiosity, what four companies were after you?

The employee said, “Oh, the electric company, the gas company, the water company and the mortgage company!”

I guess this story proves that devious honesty is the most productive policy.

***

A good friend of mine just turned a milestone birthday. At her birthday party someone asked her if she’d like to turn back her personal odometer.

She laughed and said, “Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve lived in the country all my life and traveled a long way and most of the roads weren’t paved.”

***

Having survived another nasty election, I’ll end this column with a couple of quotations about elections. Sydney J. Harris said: “Democracy is the only system that persists in asking the powers that be whether they are the powers that ought to be.” And I love this anonymous quote from someone quite observant. He or she said: “Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.” 

Have a good ‘un.


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