Laugh Tracks in the Dust 12-14-09 | TheFencePost.com
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Laugh Tracks in the Dust 12-14-09

Kindly readers (friends) I’m having a bout with the walking pneumonia, so my humor level is running kinda low this week. So, bear with me as I fade back to days of yore with stories from the “ghost of a column past – 1987, to be exact.”

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I think I’ve found a solution to a big management problem at Damphewmore Acres. Every year when the quail season opens my friends from Kansas City, ol’ Buster Covey and his girlfriend Miss Avery Singleton, come down for a little opening day hunting. Well, they actually shoot poorer than I do and over the years they’ve dumped so much lead on my land from missed shots that I recently got a letter from the Kansas Department of Environmental Quality that those folks are thinking seriously about designating Damphewmore Acres as a Toxic Dump Site.

Faced with that dilemma, I put my head to work and went to see my chemist friend from the University of Arkansas, Dr. Bunson Berner, and we came up with a solution. We call it Nitro-Gun Shotshells. What we’ve came up with is a rock hard mixture of nitrogen, phosphate and potassium, complete with trace minerals, that has sufficient density to pattern well and kill quail dead, dead, dead.

You can see the advantages, can’t you? When your city friends go quail hunting, insist that they shoot Nitro-Gun Shotshells and you’ll get your fields fertilized with a completely balanced plant food at the same time. Plus, if you happen to find a piece of shot in your fried quail, you won’t die of lead poisoning. All you’ll get is a good heavy dose of necessary minerals to build strong bones and teeth. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner. It might be the cost cutting measure that will let me make a profit next year.

***

I went out to my farm shop recently and invented a new piece of farm machinery that will take care of a big problem on livestock farms that feed big round bales wrapped in plastic twine … and let the owner make a neat profit on the side.

You’re familiar with the problem. Everywhere you walk you get wrapped up in plastic twine. Every tillage tool, pto shaft, and rotary cutter on the place is balled up with plastic twine and inviting you to bust your knuckles and dull your pocket knife to get it off.

Well, rest easy. No more problems with plastic twine with the revolutionary Twine Ferrett and Twist Converter. All it consists of is a series of fingers that you can drag along behind your tractor or pickup truck whenever you drive through your pasture or hay feeding area. Naturally, the fingers ferret out every stray piece of plastic twine. But that’s just the start. After you get the twine gathered up, you feed it into the patented Twist Converter and it sorts the twine out and twists it into colorful ropes for urban cowboys and team ropers. 

If you’ve checked the price of good nylon ropes lately, you can see the immense profit potential of this machine.

And if your wife’s as innovative as ol’ Nevah Yield is, you’ll make even more profit. Nevah’s figgered out how to program the Twister to make colorful macrame hangings that she’s gonna sell in the city craft shops. When I asked her what she wuz gonna say when some of her wall hangings had the aroma of well rotted manure, she replied, “No sweat. I’ll just tell them that’s a rare combination of herbs and aromatic plants native to our region and they’ll love them.” She’s probably right. If they can fool us into thinking that what they’re selling us these days is high quality, we should be able to do

the same.

***

All the farm management experts will tell you that you can’t afford to own your own line of farm machinery these days. They say you’ve got to come up with some original way to cut machinery costs. I recently heard of a feller up by LaHarpe, Kan., who solved his problem. I wuz gonna write a long feature story about it, but then decided that the following limerick tells the story completely and simply enuf that everybody can understand it. Here goes:

There once wuz a farmer named Jones,

Who sold all the machinery he owned.

By borrowing his neighbors,’

And doing them favors,

He now has more money than loans.

***

Now that the holiday feast season has begun, ol’ Nevah has come up with what she calls her Incontrovertible Laws of Human Nature. For instance, the fussiest and most finicky person to visit your home during the holiday season will be the one who gets the chipped coffee cup, the lipstick stained glass, the hair in her food, and the house dog in her lap.

***

Well, in closing for this week, I hope you get your Christmas shopping done early and that you didn’t get trampled in the stampede like an old time cowboy caught in a rampaging herd. Until next week, remember that the only people who usually find what they’re looking for are looking for faults.

Have a good ‘un.


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