Laugh Tracks in the Dust 12-7-09
It’s deer season almost everywhere now, so here’s a deer hunting story that made me chuckle. I’ll bet you will, too.
Two redneck Ozarkians are out deer hunting, and as they are walking along through the Mark Twain National Forest they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”
The second hunter says “I don’t know. Let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter looks around in the brush and says “Here’s an old rusty automobile transmission. Give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick up the transmission, grunting and groaning, and carry it over to the hole. Then they count “one, and two and three,” and heave it over into the hole. They are standing there on the edge of the hole listening and looking into the abyss when they hear the sound of something crashing through the brush behind them.
Startled at the sound, they turn around just in time to see brown nanny goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and – with no hesitation – jump into the hole head first.
While the hunters are standing there looking at each other, looking into the depths of the hole and trying to figure out what had happened, an old farmer strolls up.
“Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
One hunter replies, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had her chained to a transmission!”
A kindly reader from Lakewood, Colo., ol’ Y. Arne Spinner, mailed me this cute story.
Two retired farmers, Bill and Sam, both in their 90s, met in town every day to discuss the weather, the ag markets, and world politics. They always sat on a bench in the town park. They became fast friends.
After several months, one day Bill failed to show up. Sam didn’t know what had happened to his new friend. Bill didn’t show up for another month, but then one day, there Bill wuz on the park bench when Sam showed up.
“Where have you been for the past month?” Sam asked.
“In jail,” Bill replied.
“What for?” Sam continued.
“Perjury,” Bill responded.
“How’d that happen?” Sam persisted.
“Well, one of the cute little nurses at my retirement care facility falsely accused me of making an inappropriate pass at her and the case went to trial. At my age, I wuz so proud to be the accused that I pled guilty. That’s when the judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath.”
Yesterday, I talked on the phone to my ol’ buddy A.C. Doocey from Asbury, Mo. You will recall that A.C. has a bit of a drinking problem and that he got married for the third time not too long ago.
While I wuz visiting with A.C., I happened to ask how he wuz getting along with his new wife.
“Milo,” he replied. I’m pretty sure the love’s gone out of our marriage.”
“How do you figger that?” I continued.
“Well, I was sitting on the sofa watching TV not long ago when I heard my wife say from the kitchen. ‘What would you like for supper, Love? Chicken, beef, turkey, or lamb?’ I wuz surprised at how congenially she asked, so I yelled to her, ‘Thanks for asking. I’ll have the beef since I have
“When she yelled back, ‘I wuzn’t talking to you. I was talking to the dog. Your only choice for supper is boiled turnips.’ That’s when I knew the love wuz gone!”
A group of rural Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a comely young guide explained to them the process of making Swiss cheese from goat’s milk, explaining that goat’s milk greatly enhanced the flavor over cow’s milk.
She showed the group a lovely mountain valley pasture where many goats were grazing. “This,” she explained, “is where the older goats are put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”
She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old retired farmer answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
You’ll be sending me to the woodshed if I don’t quit this column now. So, I will with these wise political words from former Kansas Republican U.S. Senator Robert J. Dole: “If you’re hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You’ll get the same kind of feeling and you won’t have to pay.”
Have a good ‘un.
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