Laugh Tracks in the Dust 2-8-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 2-8-10

A debt-ridden rancher friend of mine from Sarcoxie, Mo., ol’ Owen Folks, gave me a call recently and said he could vouch first-hand how badly this country needs health care cost reform.

When I asked him to explain, he said, “Milo, I had a bad accident in my pickup truck. It wuz terrible and bunged me up pretty good. But, thankfully, I have a good primary care doctor and ol’ Doc promised me he’d have me back on my feet within a month.”

“Did he make good on that promise?” I asked Owen.

“He sure did,” Owen replied. “When I got his bill for services rendered, I had to sell my feed truck to pay him. So, I’m walking again, just like he said I’d be!”

***

While I’m on the subject of farmers and doctors, I might as well relate this incident that happened to a grain farmer and his wife during the worst of the harvest rust last fall. It involves the treatment of a bad toothache.

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The farmer and his wife rush into a dentist’s office one morning just after the dentist’s office opens. The farmer says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I’ve got a truckload of corn that my wife needs to deliver to the Port of Catoosa by noon. And, I’ve got a hired man waiting for me to get started combining again. And, the weatherman says it’s gonna start raining late this afternoon. So, forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is one tough hombre – asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

The farmer turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”

***

A Colorado reader, ol’ D. River Gawkin, tells me he had to do some errands in Colorado Springs. He wuz driving around town and wuz going through an intersection when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He said, he figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he wasn’t speeding. So, just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

By now, ol’ River had begun to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

Sure enuf, he tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail’s pace.

He ruefully tells me that two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

***

A veterinary medicine surgery professor friend of mine at Kansas State University, Dr. Polk N. Slicer, told me a funny story about his first-year vet med students. Doc wuz conducting the students’ first anatomy class and it involved a real dead cow.

The students were all gathered around the surgery table with the cow’s bloated body covered with a white sheet. Only her head wuz exposed to the students.

Doc sez he started the class by instructing his students, “In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is not to be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.”

For an example, Doc walked up to the cow’s head, which wuz oozing “stuff” from the nostrils, calmly stuck his finger into the cow’s nostril, and then stuck his finger into his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger into the cow’s nostril and putting it in their mouths.

When everyone finished, Doc looked at them and said, “The second most important quality of a good veterinarian is observation. No one noticed that I stuck my middle finger in the cow’s nostril, but I put my index finger in my mouth. This experience should teach you to always pay close attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re non-observant.”

***

A helpful Nebraska reader dished up this great story about the good ol’ days in rural America.

Grandpa was reminiscing about the good old days to his grandson: “When I was a lad, Momma would have me walk three miles into town to th’ corner store. She’d give me a solitary dollar bill, and I’d come back with 5 pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, 2 pounds of hard cheese, a packet of tea, and 2 pounds of coffee. Ain’t nobody can do that now. Too many danged security cameras.”

***

Wouldn’t want to mess with the security a good evening’s nap affords you, so I’ll quit with these patriotic words from former President John Quincy Adams: “Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.”

Have a good ‘un.