Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-1-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-1-10

I “barely” escaped a terrible (and embarrassing) accident during the recent spate of cold weather.

When I prepared to do my chores one morning, I bundled up good in several layers, starting with my longjohns as the inner layer. The layering ended up with my overalls as the outside layer.

Now I should mention that I take medications for high blood pressure. The pill I take every morning includes a diuretic and recently my doc saw fit to double the dosage.

Well, after several cups of coffee, and after I got all bundled up, I headed out to do chores on my ATV. I had been outside for probably half an hour when the diuretic kicked in for the first time of the day – kind of an urgent urge!

No problem. I had all of God’s great outdoors for a bathroom. Or, so I thought. But, when I went to sorting through the layers of clothing to get the job done, I made a shocking discovery. Somehow in dressing, I’d managed to put my longjohns on backwards.

Now I wuz in a really urgent predicament. No time to make a dash back to the house. Only one thing to do! I stepped into the chickenhouse, quickly shed my coat, unsnapped my overall straps galluses, and dropped “everything.”

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By a few seconds, I averted the kind of “accident” too often attributed to senility … perhaps rightly so in my case. Since then, I take more care in putting my longjohns on each morning.

***

Heard a funny true story last week. It wuz a dry summer and Dan’s garden wuz turning to toast. Without supplemental water, there’d be no enjoyment of homemade tomatoes or any other tasty garden morsels. So, Dan pulled out a long roll (several hundred feet) of black plastic pipe, unrolled it across his mowed bromegrass field, put a portable pump at the pond and a hose and sprinkler at the garden and his water shortage for the summer wuz over.

However, summer led into fall and fall into winter and winter into spring and Dan’s mind never returned to his supplemental watering system.

Come June, the bromegrass wuz lush and green and it wuz time to bale hay. Dan hooked up to his hay swather and started on his first swath on the outside of the brome field.

Eventually, something went “whump” in the swather and Dan saw the grass moving for hundreds of feet ahead of him. But the swather continued to cut hay and nothing wuz broke, so Dan drove on with his curiosity piqued.

It wuzn’t until he glanced back at the swather that Dan figgered out what wuz happening. His swather had crimped and “spit out” several hundred feet of his black plastic pipe from the previous summer’s temporary garden watering system.

Dan’s friends who told me the story added the ending. Rather than scrap all that pipe and buy new, Dan went to the local hardware store and bought a bucket full of plastic pipe fittings and repaired the whole danged thing.

***

In a small Missouri town, Bubba’s Bar began construction on a new building to increase its business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening using public petitions and private prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before the big grand opening Bubba had planned. That’s when lightning struck the new bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that. God had listened!

Well, they were until Bubba, the bar owner, sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge, the Honorable G. Avel Pounder, looked over the paperwork. At the hearing in court the next day, he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this matter, but as it appears from the paperwork things are all backwards. I see we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.”

***

I’ll close with these words of wisdom from Benjamin Whichcote, a British religious scholar in the 1600s: “Among politicians the esteem of religion is profitable; the principles of it are troublesome … None are so empty as those who are full of themselves.”

Have a good ‘un.