Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-15-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-15-10

I know it’s too early to say spring is really here, but the recent week of sunny weather, with temperatures in the 40s and 50s, assures me that real spring weather is just around the corner. Plus, the robins are on the spring migration and they are never wrong.

The warmer weather got my “farming blood” warmed up and I lightly disked some old bromegrass and overseeded with a mixture of clovers. It felt good to be on the tractor again, even though I didn’t do much.

***

Overheard at the coffee shop: Two retired farmers were talking about one of ’em’s birthday. He bragged, “Had my 75th birthday last weekend.”

“What’d you do?” his raspy-voiced buddy questioned.

“All the kids and grandkids came over and we ate cake and ice cream, then they gave me a gift I never thought I’d ever get.”

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“What did they give you?” his buddy followed up.

“They gave me an SUV,” the birthday boy replied.

“An SUV! That’s amazing! What a great gift!” his buddy congratulated.

Birthday boy replied, “Yup … Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”

***

Thanks to a reader from Brush, Colo., for this humorous story.

A rural minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting to pay for repairs to the church and pastor’s home. He knew times were tough in the community and the bad winter had everyone in a depressed mood.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a last-minute substitute was required. The substitute – an elderly widowed farm women with trembling hands – wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” the minister said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about our dire financial circumstances.”

At the conclusion of the service, the minister paused and, after taking a deep breath, said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great financial difficulty. The roof repairs on the church and the parsonage will cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. If any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist began playing a shaky rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

***

This is the time of year when horse folks are busiest. Foals are arriving. Mares are being rebred. Stalls need cleaning. And equine-related shows and exhibitions are being held in just about every state.

So, I looked up some horse-related stuff on the Internet and found this posting from Elaine Steele a horse enthusiast from Idaho.

She calls it: “All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse.” I think it’s pretty wise … so here it is for you to learn from.

• When in doubt, run far, far away.

• You can never have too many treats.

• Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.

• New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.

• Ignore cues. They’re just a prompt to do more work.

• Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.

• Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.

• Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day … and then sleeping the rest.

• Eat plenty of roughage.

• Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.

• When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.

• In times of crisis, poop.

• Act dumb when faced with a task you don’t want to do.

• Follow the herd. That way, you can’t be singled out to take the blame.

• A swift kick in the butt will get anyone’s attention.

• Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

***

Well, I need to get outside and soak up some more sunshine. So, I’ll quit for this week with a quote about horses from Sir Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister during World War II. He wisely said: “There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.”