Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-29-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-29-10

Strange things happen when citified folks move to the country and try to assimilate into the rural population.

This truly happened. A big city lady and her daughter bought and moved to an acreage in the country. She introduced herself to all her immediate neighbors and admitted that she knew next to nuthin’ about rural living, but she sure did like the peace and quiet of the country.

The first indication of just how little she really did know about country living wuz when she happened to mention that a kangaroo had just about bounded right into her car while she wuz driving to town. Of course, she had just missed a bounding whitetail deer.

The second indication wuz when in the snow and ice this winter she slid into the steep ditch right next to her driveway entrance and enlisted the assistance of her farmer neighbor to pull her car out with his tractor.

He obliged, but when he got the car pulled out, he noticed that the accident had pushed the front wheels out of line and he advised the lady not to drive her car until she got it fixed.

A bit flustered, the lady said, “Well, I can’t have it blocking my driveway so my daughter can’t get in and out of the place, so just pull it back by the hotdog and leave it.”

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“Park it where?” the puzzled farmer asked.

“Back there by the hotdog,” the lady insisted.

Upon further questioning, the farmer finally figgered out that she wanted her car parked in her backyard close to her “hotdog” – the propane tank.

***

It’s been awhile since I heard from my ol’ buddy A.C. Doocey from Asbury, Mo. You’ll recall that A.C. in an inveterate reprobate when it comes to getting in situations or trouble involving inappropriate uses of alcohol.

Well, I called A.C. up last week to see what has been happening to him because I just knew something “bad” had. So, I wuzn’t surprised to hear him tell me this tale of woe.

Seems a Missouri State trooper pulled a pickup and trailer over for speeding on I-44 a couple of miles from Joplin. A. C. happened upon the scene and automatically (out of habit, I guess) pulled over when he saw the flashing lights and got out of his vehicle. Here’s what happened next.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was an “Agri-juggler” and was on his way to Branson to do a show of juggling farm tools for the appreciation of the nation’s elderly veterans and their blue-haired mates. He told the trooper he wuz speeding because he didn’t want to be late for his performance.

The trooper wuz apparently a kind-hearted soul who told the driver he’d been fascinated by juggling ever since he wuz a kid – and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then the trooper wouldn’t give the juggler a ticket.

So, the juggler opened his trailer and got out an assortment of axes, hatchets, corn knives, and a handful of painted mowing machine sections. Then he started his juggling act right there on the side of the road.

When, he finished and wuz loading his equipment up, the officer looked behind his patrol car and spied A.C. standing there all wobbly-kneed and bleary-eyed. As the trooper approached him, A.C. proceeded to open the back door and crawl into the back seat of the patrol car.

That’s when the officer asked A. C., “What do you think you’re doing?”

And, that’s when A.C. says he slurred back, “Just saving you a lot of trouble, Mr. Officer, man. You can just take my old rear end straight to jail because there ain’t no way I can pass that new sobriety test you’re giving.”

***

This happened in a rural church. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what she learned in Sunday School.

Her daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later after church, she saw the Sunday School teacher and asked her what Bible verse that morning’s Sunday School lesson was about.

The lady said, “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

***

With that, I’ll close with a patriotic quote from former President Ronald Reagan that doesn’t give me much comfort: “Perhaps you and I have lived with this miracle too long to be properly appreciative. Freedom is a fragile thing and is never more than one generation away from extinction. It is not ours by inheritance; it must be fought for and defended constantly by each generation, for it comes only once to a people. Those who have known freedom and then lost it have never known it again. Knowing this, it is hard to explain those who even today would question the people’s capacity for self-rule. Will they answer this: if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else?” Ponder that until next week.