Laugh Tracks in the Dust 5-18-09 | TheFencePost.com
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Laugh Tracks in the Dust 5-18-09

The other day I wuz helping my ol’ buddy Lon G. Horner move some cows and calves about 20 miles from one pasture to another. During the process, I think I saw a way to create a lot of carbon-less electrical energy.

We had to haul the cattle in three separate trailer loads, so we first separated the cows from the calves and held the calves in a good corral. Next we made two trips with the cows which took about three hours.

When we were finally ready to haul the calves in our last load, the little critters had worked themselves into a lather wondering about their lost mamas and if they ever see them again.

As I worked my way up the fence to get around the calves, one cute little cream and white spotted calf spooked and ran into the corner ahead of me. He wuz blocked from an easy escape by a galvanized oblong water tank probably 30 inches deep, filled with water.

As I inched my way up the fence toward the calf, it first tried to squeeze through the fence. That wuz unsuccessful, so in desperation the little critter tried to squeeze between the fence and the water tank, but there wuzn’t enuf room there either.

So, the panicked calf finally chose to escape by clamoring through the water tank. But, he got astraddle the far side of the tank from me with a front and hind leg in the water and the other front and hind on the ground. But, the calf wuzn’t tall enuf to reach the ground or the bottom of the tank with any more than two hooves at a time. In short, the little critter wuz “high-centered” on his brisket on the side of the water tank.

But, all four of his legs were churning at warp speed and for a few seconds he looked like a bovine waterwheel as water soared into the air above him and cascaded down on his back.

He finally managed to escape, but as he toppled out of the tank, I couldn’t help but think that if we could find a way to harness all that wasted energy, we’d be well on our way to solving our national energy crisis.

– – –

Last week, I wuz tempted to do an unusual biological experiment, but my conscience wouldn’t let me do it. For several weeks, a mother killdeer had been brooding some eggs in a nest in the gravel along the edge of our Damphewmore Acres driveway.

I’d carefully made sure I didn’t drive over the nest with my pickup, ATV or lawn mower, but the mother didn’t appreciate that fact and went into her wounded-wing act every time anything got near.

Well, one evening at dusk I wuz walking from the mailbox to the house when I noticed two newly-hatched killdeer chicks. They were still wet from hatching and mama killdeer wuz in a frenzy as I looked the situation over.

That’s when I remembered that I had a brooding Cochin hen who wuz also hatching her chicks that day. For a moment, I wuz tempted to take the two killdeer chicks and put them under the Cochin hen. But, my conscience wouldn’t let me do it. I kept thinking about how distraught the mama killdeer would be.

So, I let Mother Nature take her course, and the next morning the two killdeer chicks were precocious and spryly running around hiding at my approach. Within a couple of hours, they were gone, and I presume down at my pond.

But, I still wonder if those killdeer chicks would have imprinted on my Cochin hen and what would have happened if I’d made the transfer?

– – –

And, this story via e-mail from a Canadian farmer friend.

A farmer had to drive by a mental hospital every time he drove to town. And every trip he saw a patient in the yard going through the motions of winding up and pitching an imaginary baseball.

For several weeks, the farmer would stop on the shoulder of the road and watch this “baseball pitching” patient go through his motions.

One day, the farmer had a friend riding with him to town and when the farmer pulled over to watch the “pitching” mental patient, the friend asked, “What do you find so interesting in that mental patient’s behavior?”

The farmer looked over at him and replied, “Well, if the economy of farming keeps going like it’s going, there’s a good possibility I’ll end up in this mental hospital, too, and I might have to be the catcher in this guy’s baseball game. I want to have the low-down on his curve ball.”

– – –

Since we’re going to get a new Supreme Court justice soon, I selected this quote from Founding Father Thomas Jefferson for this week’s patriotic note:

“On every question of construction, [let us] carry ourselves back to the time when the Constitution was adopted, recollect the spirit manifested in the debates, and instead of trying what meaning may be squeezed out of the text, or invented against it, conform to the probable one in which it was passed.”

– – –

I’m gonna pass on writing this column any longer and close with these not-so-wise words of wisdom: Sometimes you get, and other times you get got. I hope you don’t “get got” this week, and it’s a good ‘un for you.


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