Laugh Tracks in the Dust 6-8-09 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 6-8-09

A friend of mine wuz attending his grand-daughter’s softball game last week when he struck up a conversation with an elderly gentleman who wuz camped in his old RV across the street from the ball diamond in Cottonwood Falls.

This gentleman told my friend that he’d been on the road exclusively for 40 years and had traveled to just about everywhere in the United States.

While I wouldn’t have wanted to live that kind of life, I do have to admit it would make life much more of an adventure. Forty years on the road is a long time, but as the gentleman told my friend, “How else can you see the country that costs only $5 to $10 a night?” He said his next destination wuz some place cool in Colorado. Guess he’s got a point.

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Speaking of cool in Colorado, my friend Rollin Birdz, says he knew a retired farmer from the Wichita, Kan., area who years ago sold his farm and bought two homes – one near Wichita and one in Colorado. He spent a good bit of time at each place.

One time when Rollin asked the retired farmer how he decided to move from one home to the others, he got this simple reply: “When the air-conditioner kicks on in our Kansas home, we pack up and move to Colorado. Then when the heater kicks on in our Colorado home, we pack up and move back to Kansas.”

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A young rural mechanic I know, ol’ Turner Tapp, has a couple of rambunctious young sons, neither in school yet, who nearly gave him a heart attack recently.

Turner took both boys with him to his shop one day. When noon rolled up, they all took a lunch break, and when they returned after lunch, Turner lingered over something or another for a few minutes away from the shop.

When he finally arrived on the scene, here’s what he saw: His younger son was suspended 6 feet in the air, flying like Superman, and enjoying every moment of “flight.”

Here’s how that happened. Seems the older of the two had hooked a hoist to two belt loops on the younger boy’s pants and then cranked him into the air. All that wuz keeping him from falling to the concrete floor and smacking his little head and face on the floor wuz the strength of the stitches in those two belt loops. The hoist wuzn’t even fastened to a belt.

Needless to say, once Superman wuz safely back on the ground, ol’ dad gave both of his sons a good talking to about shop safety.

But, you have to admit, the scene had to have been funny to see.

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This is not a true story.

A county extension agent took his county’s 4-H’ers to summer camp. While they were there, one of the women agents heard a commotion emitting from one of the boy’s bathrooms and asked the man agent to investigate to see what wuz happening.

So, he entered the bathroom to find the boys in a contest to see who could “squirt” the highest on the shower-room wall.

A few minutes later, he came out and the woman agent asked him what wuz going on in the bathroom.

The man agent explained as judiciously as he could the nature of the “natural contest” the boys were playing.

The woman agent wuz aghast and asked her male colleague, “Well, what did you do?”

To which the man agent replied, “I hit the ceiling!”

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I’ve got an important announcement to make. Due to advancing age and declining health, I’ve decided to quit making public appearances. That part of my 35-year career as a public speaker/entertainer is at an end. My hearing/balance problems make it too “iffy” that I can fulfill booking dates and/or continue to do a good job.

It wuz a great run that took me from coast to coast and into Canada, but all good runs must eventually end.

I met the finest rural folks on the planet in the process, and I’m most thankful to all of them. Not many folks are lucky enuf to do such traveling, and get paid for it, too.

As I recall, my first Milo Yield gig wuz the Uniontown FFA banquet in Uniontown, Kan., and my final gig wuz a couple months at the Marion County Conservation District banquet in Hillsboro, Kan. There were a lot of miles, a lot of good food, and a lot of good friends in between.

I’ll continue to write this weekly column, and I’ll still welcome any and all stories you faithful readers pass along to me.

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So, I’ll close with these words of wisdom about the judiciary system from former President Andrew Jackson: “All the rights secured to the citizens under the Constitution are worth nothing, and a mere bubble, except guaranteed to them by an independent and virtuous Judiciary.” I hope our next Supreme Court Justice studied President Jackson. Have a good ‘un.