Laugh Tracks in the Dust 7-19-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 7-19-10

My grandson Chancy from Pigeon Forge, Tenn., visited ol’ Nevah and me last week at Damphewmore Acres. He’s more than 6 feet tall and a strapping lad, but has pretty much enjoyed an urbanized lifestyle. That all changed during his visit.

We butchered chickens, planted milo, mowed grass, hauled dirt with the tractor, snapped green beans, hauled brush, moved quail, set a broody hen, gathered eggs and fed chickens, dug potatoes, shucked sweet corn, killed a black snake, shot the shotgun and rifles, played board games and cards, and oh how he enjoyed driving my utility vehicle.

He went home with a much greater understanding of farm life – and he enjoyed it, too – but not as much as I did.

***

I’ve got an old friend, Corky Yorky, from Thayer, Kan., and he’s still one of the world’s great wits and storytellers, even though he’s reached the golden years of the 80s.

To pass the time, Corky occasionally attends the livestock auction market at Parsons, Kan. He missed the auction several weeks in a row and when he finally returned, one of the gals in the sale barn office, noticed him and said, “We’ve missed you. What ‘cha been doing?”

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Without a second’s thought, Corky replied, “Oh, I’ve been doing some rear-end work.”

The gal replied, “I didn’t know you were a mechanic.”

To which Corky replied, “I ain’t. I’ve been working to keep my rear end in my easy chair in my air-conditioned living room during this summer heat.”

***

My sheep-shearing buddy from Iowa, ol’ Nick deHyde, gave me a cell phone call recently. He said he had a voice mail on his cell phone from our mutual friend Kurt that Nick wanted me to hear. So, Nick put his cell phone to the land-line phone and played me Kurt’s message.

Kurt said, “The calf’s back in the pasture. God’s in His Heaven. Milo’s not here to put this story in his column. All’s right with the world!”

Well, Kurt, you underestimated both of your friends. Nick told me the story behind your message – and I’m putting the story in this week’s column. Here’s what happened.

Kurt runs a little beef cow herd and his two pastures are on both sides of a well-traveled blacktop road. The herd needed to be moved and Kurt decided to move the critters about 4:30 p.m. He’d prepared for the move by pulling a feed bunk across the road and locating it just inside the gate of the new pasture. He had a 5-gallon bucket of corn as an enticement to the cows. He had an elderly neighbor ready to drive the cows and calves across the road as Kurt played the role of Bovine Pied Piper with his bucket of corn.

Just as the “Big Drive” wuz ready to happen, ol’ Nick happened along the road, quickly assessed the situation, pulled his pickup off the road, and got out to keep the cattle from going south down the road ditches.

All went well at first. The cows and calves, except one, dutifully followed Kurt through the gate and across the road. But, rather than stay around the feed bunk, the whole bunch high-tailed it into the timber and out of sight of the road.

That’s when “the calf problem” developed. As per normal, one high-strung calf missed the gate and ran along the fence inside the original pasture. By the time he got headed off, all the cows, including his mama, were nowhere to be seen.

The calf panicked, reversed course, and headed pell-mell back into the original pasture.

At that point Kurt dismissed his two “helpers” and said he’d get the calf into the pasture with its mama all by himself.

Well, I’m happy to say that he succeeded. But it took him until 9:30 that evening to accomplish the task. In that elapsed time, the calf (and an ever-more-irritated Kurt), traversed several pastures, ran through several pastures and crop fields, and crashed through several fences.

My only wish is that I’d been there to have seen it all first-hand. An eye-witness account always beats a second-hand account. But at least the story made my column.

***

Well, there are not any more stories for this week’s column. So, I’ll close with these words of wisdom about cattle from the Bible: “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth; And wine that maketh glad the heart of man, and oil to make his face to shine, and bread which strengtheneth man’s heart.”

So, go drink some wine and eat some bread and have a good ‘un.