Laugh Tracks in the Dust 7-20-09 | TheFencePost.com
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Laugh Tracks in the Dust 7-20-09

Ol’ Nevah and I, and our friends Canby and Willabea Handy, recently traveled to Iowa for the wedding of the daughter of a dear friend of ours. It was a wonderful backyard wedding complete with a tent and dance floor, a live country-western band, and a barbecue for all.

However, there wuz one unusual aspect to this wedding. It was Margaret (Maggie), the flower girl.

What wuz unusual about Maggie is that she is a lovable young bloodhound owned by the newlyweds. Maggie was a picture of poise as she was led down the aisle on a leash with a garland of posies around her neck.



It provided a moment of levity during an otherwise beautiful wedding ceremony. Best wishes to the newlyweds for a long and prosperous marriage.

***



We’ve been getting spotty rain here at Damphewmore Acres. But last week, we had the spottiest rain I ever saw.

I keep an old double-barrel shotgun in the barn to blast chicken predators whenever I get the chance. The night before the rain, I’d forgotten that I’d leaned the gun against a fence, and so it was exposed to the elements all night long.

Come morning after the rain, imagine my surprise when I remembered my shotgun and discovered upon examining it that the rain had fallen so disparately that one barrel had 2-inches of rain in it and the other barrel wuz bone dry!

OK, that ain’t a true story. But it does illustrate how spotty our rains have been.

***

I read recently that high retail beef prices prove just how grossly cattlemen and consumers are getting ripped off by the big supermarket chains. The cattlemen are losing money like crazy on feedlot beef, while the consumer is still paying way-too-high-to-justify retail prices for beef. The middleman is the only one benefiting.

A farmwife friend of mine reports that she recently witnessed proof of the exorbitant price for retail beef. She wuz in a supermarket and watched as an urban consumer ahead of her in the checkout line placed a large package of fresh beef on the checkout counter.

When the clerk rang up the price, the consumer gasped and complained, “That can’t be right. I ordered a rolled roast, not a Rolls-Royce.”

***

A lady friend of ours with a 6-year-old daughter wuz making a big meatloaf for supper. However, when she checked the fridge for the ketchup, she discovered that the lone bottle of ketchup wuz almost empty.

Determined to extract every last drop of ketchup from the bottle, she wuz vigorously pounding on the bottom of the ketchup when the phone rang.

The mother told her daughter to answer the phone. So, imagine her surprise when she heard her precocious daughter tell the caller, “Mommy can’t come to phone. She’s busy hitting the bottle.”

**

The Ole jokes just keep coming my way. This time a 55-year-old Ole got a double hernia from working dawn to dusk slaving away on his farm.

When he landed in the hospital for his surgery, Ole admitted to the nurse that he’d never spent a day or night in the hospital.

Well, after successful surgery, the next morning the nurse came into his room and gave him a sponge bath over most of his body. Then, leaving Ole with a wet wash cloth, she said, “You know what to do with that,” and left the room.

Ole didn’t have a clue what to do, so he got out of bed and washed the windows in his room.

***

Thanks to the reader who e-mailed me this story. Thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, a farmer named R. E. Vived, was brought back to live after being clinically dead for several hours following a silo gas accident. Of course, he became a media darling and wuz in great demand to speak of his near-death experience at medical conferences around the globe.

One such conference wuz in Moscow. While in Russia, he got invited to the Kremlin by Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

Putin got right to the point, “Did you see God?” he asked the farmer.

“Yes,” said the farmer.

Putin replied, “Here are a million rubles, so the next time someone asks that question you’ll answer ‘no.'”

The next meeting wuz in Rome. During his stay in Rome, the farmer got a message from the Vatican that the Pope wanted an audience with him. After a bit of small talk, the Pope asked the farmer, “Did you see God?”

Remembering the million rubles, the farmer answered “No!”

The Pope, showing great concern, said, “Here’s a million lira. Next time you get asked that question, do not answer ‘no.'”

The third meeting wuz in Washington, D.C. Following his speech, the farmer got invited to the White House, where he met with President Obama, speaker Nancy Pelosi and majority Senate leader Harry Reid.

Together they asked in unison, “Did you see God?”

The farmer, now thoroughly versed in the politics of his situation, held out both hands and replied: “Yes, and he is a Republican!”

***

With that, I’ll close for the week with these patriotic words from former President Harry S. Truman: “A President needs political understanding to run the government, but he may be elected without it.” Have a good ‘un.


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