Laugh Tracks in the Dust 8-23-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 8-23-10

The cattle bizness is, thankfully for us columnists, a veritable artesian well of true, humorous stories.

The latest one I heard about happened to a cattleman in the eastern Flint Hills who runs feeder cattle during the summer. Well, this summer he had a breechy heifer who had a preference for grazing in the neighbor’s pasture with the neighbor’s cows and calves over grazing in her own pasture.

As is often the case, it wuz easier for both parties to just let the little rip stay where she strayed than it wuz to stir the whole she-bang up and get her back where she belonged.

But recently, the neighbor decided to sell his calf crop at the local auction barn, so he called the heifer owner and asked what he wanted to do with his heifer. Since the weather is so hot and miserable, the heifer owner told his neighbor to load his heifer up with the bunch, sort her off at the sale barn and sell her as a singleton, then just give him the check. He said it would be easier than selling her later with his own cattle.

So, that’s what the neighbor did. However, that’s when the funny part happened. The neighbor got the offending heifer sorted off and she ran through the auction.

But, the heifer owner also had an order buyer at the auction with instructions to buy a bunch of feeder heifers for him. So, sure enuf, when the singleton heifer ran through the ring, the order buyer bought her back for the owner.

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So, the heifer ended up back in her original pasture, but her owner had paid two commissions – one to the auction and one to the order buyer – for the privilege of continuous ownership. At least the heifer got to see some new country in the process.

***

I live on a little blacktop road that the cattle and grain trucks beat up pretty badly, so this summer the county decided to splurge and apply a “chip and seal” process to upgrade the road.

For those not familiar with “chip and seal,” the road crew puts down a heavy coating of oil on the road and covers it up with fine gravel “chips” and then seals the whole deal with a roller.

It worked fine until the scorching weather came right on the heels of the repairs and the oil worked its way to the top of the road where the traffic is heavy. The result is that any vehicle that travels the road gets a free coat of road oil on its undersides and for about 18-inches up on the sides.

Of course, that generated some complaints from some of the folks who drive nice cars – ol’ Nevah included. 

But not me! No sirree, Bob! I’m happy with the whole deal because I drive a 1990 RustBucket Ford all the time and there’s nothing it needs more than a good coat of oil all over to hinder the rust development and lube up the chassis. I just hope I don’t get a bill from the county for extracting too much of the county’s oil from the road.

***

My buddy J.S. from Lakewood, Colo., sent me this story.

A bashful young cowboy had his eye on a very attractive young lady. However, he wuz so bashful and shy that he just admired the object of his affection from afar, but never worked up the courage to ask her for a date.

One day they were eating meals at the local cafe and their tables happened to be right beside each other. The cowboy wuz watching “his” gal out of the corner of his eye when the young lady exploded a huge sneeze. 

Something flew in the air toward the cowboy and he automatically reached out and caught the object. When he looked down at what he’d caught, he wuz appalled to find he held the young lady’s prosthetic eye.

Naturally, the young lady wuz exceeding embarrassed, too, but she managed to offer to buy the cowboy’s meal when he returned her fake eye to her. Of course, he refused to let her pay for his meal, so instead she invited him to her place that evening for a good home-cooked meal.

The red-faced cowboy replied, “But why would you do this for me – a poor cowboy? Do you do this for every young man you talk to?”

The girl replied, “No. You’re the only one who ever caught my eye.”

***

Well, if I don’t quit this column right now, you’ll probably want to poke me in the eye, so I’m gonna quit with these words of wisdom about politeness from Arthur Schopenhauer: “Politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax.”

So, be polite, warm someone up, and have a good ‘un.