Laugh Tracks in the Dust 9-13-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 9-13-10

Well, we’ve finally gotten some respite from the hot days of summer. A hint of fall rides in the cool morning air. And, we’ve even gotten a couple of showers to knock the edges off the cracks in the ground. The fall prairie flowers are beginning their rush. The water is cooling down and awakening the slumbering fish. And dove hunting season is open.

My apple tree is ready to yield up some tasty fruit and my fall-planted green beans, turnips and greens are flourishing. My cellar shelves are loaded with all the tomato juice, homemade V-8 juice, canned tomatoes, and salsa that ol’ Nevah and me have canned. The deep freeze is amply supplied with frozen veggies, fruits, and all kinds of animal protein.

Plus, college football season has rolled around and my favorite university Bea Wilder U. has a promising team. All in all, one of the best times of the year is upon us here in the beautiful Flint Hills of Kansas.

***

Last week, an acquaintance of mine from Gordon, Neb., called me and told me a funny story.

He said, one day recently he walked out the end of his driveway to fetch his daily mail just as a young, wed-in-the-last-six-months neighbor happened to drive by.

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She slammed on the brakes, left her car idling in the middle of the road as she jumped out and ran excitedly up to him with joyful news.

My friend asked his neighbor what the great news wuz that had her all a’twitter.

“I’m gonna be a momma. I’m pregnant. We’ve been trying ever since we got married, and now it’s happened,” she gushed, still jumping up and down with excitement.

My friend clapped her on the back and said, “That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you two!”

Then the neighbor lady said, “But, there’s more news – even more exciting.”

My friend asked, “What do you mean, there’s more?”

The neighbor lady beamed like the sun on a rainbow and said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We’re gonna have twins!”

At that bit of news, my friend stopped and did a little thinking. Amazed at how she could know so soon after just finding out she wuz pregnant, he just had to ask her how she knew about the twins.

She said, “Heck, that was the easy part. I went to Wally World and bought a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack – and both tests came out positive!”

I can only hope the young’un gets his/her intelligence from the father’s side of the genetic equation.

***

My thanks to an Arkansas reader for this story.

A farm chemical salesman wuz driving the backroads of northwest Arkansas. He wuz on one of those narrow, winding county blacktops that seem to go nowhere slow.

As he turned a sharp curve and neared a farmhouse driveway, out in front of his car runs a wild-looking cat and before he could react – “splat” – he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness – and perhaps consideration for his company, whose name was plastered all over his car – he stopped, backed up and drove up to the farmhouse to notify the occupants of the pet fatality.

When the rural housewife came to the door, the salesman said, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard news to bear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off and not taking responsibility.”

“Not so fast,” said the lady. “How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe it? What does the cat look like?”

The salesman promptly flopped down on the ground, and said, “He looks like this” – as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

“Oh, you horrible man,” the lady retorted. “I know what a dead cat looks like. I meant, what did the cat look like before you hit him?”

At that, the salesman got up, covered his eyes with both hands, made a horrible face and screamed “Argggghhhhhhhhhh!”

I doubt he sold many chemicals in that community after that little episode.

***

While I’m on the subject of chemistry, I found on the Internet a witty quote about chemistry from H.L. Mencken that even has a passing reference to me and my use of the English language.

Here it is: ” In order to teach chemistry or psychology or even history of Greek, a man must actually know something, but for the teacher of English nothing seems to be necessary beyond a crude capacity to read and write.”

So be it! You probably suspected it all along. Have a good ‘un.