Laugh Tracks in the Dust 9-21-09 | TheFencePost.com
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Laugh Tracks in the Dust 9-21-09

The good stories from the beef industry just keep coming. The following true story wuz e-mailed to me from a southeastern Kansas rancher friend of mine, ol’

Joe Kerr.

Howdy, Milo. Last spring I was looking for a young Angus bull to put with some heifers and a good friend and Angus breeder had a bull that he felt was good enough for my herd’s needs.

After much deliberation, we agreed on a fair price. The bull was a purebred Angus, but not registered. The bull’s dam was named Oprah, so I thought since his birth certificate was in question – and he knew Oprah so well – I would name him Obama, in honor of our president.

Obama developed nicely through the spring and was a loud and boisterous bull, with lots of bellowing and hoof pawing. Since he was young, I put him and an older, wiser bull in with my heifers for breeding season.

Several weeks into the season, Obama appeared to have a rupture-like appearance under his belly. Plus, it did not seem the older, wiser bull appreciated Obama’s aggressiveness towards the heifers in the pasture.

Fearing the worst, Obama was captured and taken to the local veterinarian for a diagnosis of the situation. Doc shared the bad news that Obama, indeed, had broken his manhood.

So, once again, Obama’s stimulus package would not be reaching its intended targets. That’s when we decided to change our bull’s name to B’roke Obama. Doc gave us end-of-life counseling for B’roke at no extra charge. But, rather than end his life, we decided to alter B’roke’s life by making him a steer – using a double lap band – except the double lap band did not exactly go around his stomach.

I’m happy to report B’roke is now in the feedlot doing fine, but not nearly as loud and boisterous as he once was!

However, B’roke is sure to be the topic of discussion around our dinner table several months from now.

***

While we’re on the topic of Obama stimulus packages. An Iowa friend sent me the following analysis of the final results of the Cash for Clunkers program:

A vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of gasoline. A vehicle at

25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year.

So, the average “Cash for Clunkers” transaction will reduce U.S. gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year. The Administration claims 700,000 clunkers were turned in and that many new cars sold – so that’s 224 million gallons/year. At $3/gal that is $672-million

per year.

So, we all contributed to spending $3 billion to save $672 million. How good a deal was that? My friend adds that the whole thing doesn’t give me a lot of comfort about the upcoming health care program!

***

A farm wife in a rural grocery store happens upon a cowboy-looking grandfather and his poorly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, Albert, we won’t be long – easy, boy.”

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, “It’s OK, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout counter, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps, again in a controlled voice says, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”

Very impressed, the farm wife goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She approaches him and says, “You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive your grandson got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks, lady,” said Gramps, “But, I’m Albert – the little grandson’s name is Stevie. And I’m going to give him the whipping of his young life when I get him home.”

***

Here’s a tall tale sent to me. A Colorado horticulturist said he had some soil on his farm that wuz so fertile he decided to grow watermelons and musk melons on it. He said the melons grew wonderfully, but he couldn’t eat them.

The reason? The soil wuz so good, the vines grew so fast they wore the melons out dragging ’em across the ground.

I admit. That is a tall tale.

***

I’ll close for this week with these words of wisdom from famous black scientist George Washington Carver: “Reading about nature is fine, but if a person walks in the woods and listens carefully, he can learn more than what is in books, for they speak with the voice of God.”

Have a good ‘un.


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