Laugh Tracks in the Dust 9-28-09
About everyone likes fresh veggies out of a garden, fresh fruit out of an orchard, and beautiful flowers from a flower bed. At Damphewmore Acres, I’m the gardener and horticulturist. Ol’ Nevah’s the floriculturist.
Last week one observant reader sent me a reminder about the true meaning of flower catalog terminology. I passed the information along to ol’ Nevah. Here’s the list that wuz e-mailed to us:
The real meaning of plant catalog terminology:
“A favorite of birds” means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
“Grows more beautiful each year” means “Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future.”
“Zone 5 with protection” is a variation on the phrase “Russian roulette.”
“May require support” means your daughter’s structural engineering degree will finally pay off.
“Moisture-loving” plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
“Carefree” refers more to the plant’s attitude than to your workload.
“Vigorous” is code for “has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world.”
“Grandma’s Favorite” – until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.
“Sun-Loving” – except during extended droughts.
“Symbiotic with Wildlife” – rabbits, deer, and chickens love it. Birds spread the seed all over your place.
The hunting seasons have begun and will stretch out into next year. That reminds me of an old redneck joke about hunting game.
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking and carousing, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, any ya’ fellows wanna go hunting?’ ”
“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.
“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.’ ”
I don’t get many Cajun jokes sent to me, but last week a kindly reader from southeastern Oklahoma sent me a dandy. Here it is:
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: “The End is Near. Turn Yo’Self Around A’fore It’s Too Late!”
Just as they finished the job, a fancy car sped past them. Amidst the dust he stirred up, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “You hick religious nuts!”
Within a few seconds, from beyond the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash into the swamp.
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, “Ya’ think maybe da’ sign should just say … Bridge Out?”
Ol’ Nevah asked me the other day to stop at the grocery store and buy a few things. When I drove my grocery cart up to the checkout counter, the clerk rang up the tab and then prepared to sack the groceries for me.
“Paper or plastic?” she asked.
“Doesn’t matter to me,” I said. “I’m bi-sacksual.”
The folks behind me gave me a little more room after that comment.
My ol’ ranching buddy, Angus B. Reader, went to a cattlemen’s convention in the big city and when I saw him after I got home, I noticed that he wuz limping around on one crutch, had a few stitches on his face, and his arm in a sling.
When I asked him what happened, he told said, “Well, Milo. When I got to the airport, I hailed a taxi to take me to the convention hotel. On our way, I got just a bit disoriented as to the direction we were headed, so I leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
“Milo, that driver screamed, lost control of the cab, sideswiped a bus, drove up over the curb, and nosed the cab into a large plate glass window.
“For a few moments after the accident, everything was silent. Then the driver looked into the back seat at me, and said ‘I’m sorry, Mister, but you scared the daylights out of me.’ ”
“I roused myself up a bit and apologized back to the driver and said I didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. “The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab … for the last 25 years I’ve been driving a hearse.’ ”
If I don’t quit this column nonsense right now, you’ll want to give me a ride in a hearse. So, I’ll quit with these words of wisdom from patriot John C. Calhoun: “The Government of the absolute majority instead of the Government of the people is but the Government of the strongest interests; and when not efficiently checked, it is the most tyrannical and oppressive that can be devised.” Have a good ‘un.
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