Laugh Tracks: Only New Year’s Resolutions to have a good time, take some advice from a friend | TheFencePost.com
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Laugh Tracks: Only New Year’s Resolutions to have a good time, take some advice from a friend

Happy New Year to all. My only resolutions for 2016 are to make an all effort to see in 2017 a year from now, have as much fun as possible on the trip, and absolutely to vote in every available election.

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Surfing the Internet can turn up some interesting tidbits of news pertaining to agriculture.

The most unusual such news story I’ve seen so far is the fact that dried cow dung patties are selling like hot cakes on the Internet in India. The going price in U.S. dollars is from $1.75 to $7.00 for a packet of six 7-ounce patties.

Cattle are sacred in the Hindu religion, so millions of Hindus are buying up the dried cattle dung patties to use for lighting fires during religious ceremonies, or as a necessity for cooking meals or just because it brings back old memories of the olden times in India.

Making the cattle dung patties is also a significant home industry in India — a source of free raw materials to income to impoverished families.

All I can say is that I rue the fact that dried cattle dung patties are not a fad in the good ol’ U.S. I could form partnerships with cattle feedlots and we could both make millions. Cattle dung patties make more sense than those stupid little hovercraft gizmos that Americans are busting their credit card limits to buy and then busting their behinds and heads after they buy one.

I admit it — I’m still living in “Geezer World.”

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Since you’ve found out that I’m not into New Year’s resolutions, I still think that one ought to enter the new year with new ways to think about life in general. No one does this better than my old sheep shearing buddy from Iowa, ol’ Nick deHyde.

He’s got listed on his Facebook page a number of “isms” that he thinks are worth knowing and, possibly, living by. Here’s a sampling of Nick’s “isms.” If he gives attribution to others for the “ism,” I’ll mention it.

• Lies have to be covered up. The truth can run around naked!

•It usually won’t be worth the emotional effort. Chances are you won’t change a thing. Is it really changing the course of your life? It just might not be any of your business. The point is: You don’t have to kick every dog you come to, people!

• When it seem as though you’re having a good run of bad luck, remember, even a blind hog finds an acorn every once in awhile.

• You’re built too low to the ground, son. They’re going right over your head! (Talking about not “getting” jokes.)

• My experience shows you seldom learn anything from talking.

• You never make the same mistake twice. The second time, it was a choice.

• You can choose to repeat the mistake or choose to reject learning and remain ignorant.

• It’s not what you make, it’s what you spend that’s important.

• I don’t know why these keep coming at me in such odd times. I remember my Grandma saying, “I’m so tired that if the Lord called me now, he’d have to wait. I’m too tired to go.” I’m gonna keep that one handy.

• I have a love-hate relationship with my skid-loader. As I was working on it today, I heard my mother’s voice as clear as a bell. When I used to aggravate her, she would say, “I wouldn’t trade you for anything, but there are days that I sure would give you away.”

• You’re going to make mistakes, that’s a fact. Watch out for the ones you can’t fix tomorrow.

• “Giving a good Border Collie to a cowboy is like giving a 40-piece Taiwanese socket set to a cave man!” — Baxter Black.

• A new hire at my job prompted me to tell him, “Hirin’ you was like losing two good men.”

• They should have pinched his head off and sold the milk. — Harry Cozart

• Most good decisions are the result of experience. Most experience is the result of making bad decisions.

• It’s not what happens to you in your life, but how you respond to it, that is the measure of your character.

• Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is clear to the bone.

• Today is never a good excuse for bad behavior.

• Everything has a price. Ask yourself if you are prepared to pay it. Or simply: Decisions and Consequences.

• If you can’t grow it or build it, you don’t need it.

• You’ll live. It’s a long way from your heart.

• In regards to sick dogs, if they’ll eat cottage cheese or fresh horse dumplings, they’re getting better.

• Folks are so lazy, someday they’ll be found laying dead in their bed, starved to death because they wouldn’t get up and fix themselves something to eat.

• He has such bad ideas, I’m inclined to shoot his porch light out.

• Chicken and eggs aren’t bad, once you get past the taste.

• If brains were gas, you couldn’t ride an ant’s moped half way around a Cheerio.

• That’s so obvious, Ray Charles could see it.

• Don’t leave five minutes before the miracle happens.

• He’s so old he looks like death eatin’ a soda cracker.

• Never miss an opportunity to shut the heck up.

• Bloom where you’re planted.

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Can’t add nuthin’ wiser than all those “isms.” So, just have a good ‘un. ❖




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