Lee Pitts: It’s the Pitts 1-14-13

Lee Pitts
Morrow Bay, Calif.

My friends and family think I’m notoriously tight but I prefer to think of myself as a sub-optimal spender. While it may be true that there are moths in my coin purse, my checkbook is rusted shut and whenever I open my wallet George Washington blinks in the sunlight, I don’t see myself as being that different than many of my tightwad friends. Here’s a test to see if you are in my league when it comes to being cheap.

1.) At your last branding you … a) asked everyone to bring a dish and their own booze, b) served chicken and a vegetarian lasagna made with inexpensive tofu, c) sold your neighbor’s beef at a concession stand.

2.) Your ranch truck … a) is an Army surplus truck without windows, fenders or hood, b) is so old it doesn’t have seat belts, c) is a horse.

3.) When you dine in a restaurant with friends you … a) drink water, share an appetizer with your wife and then argue about your fair share of the bill, b) duck into the restroom, crawl through the window and go home just before the waitperson delivers the check to your table, c) what’s a restaurant?

My friends and family think I’m notoriously tight but I prefer to think of myself as a sub-optimal spender.

4.) The watch you currently have on your wrist is a … a) Timex, b) fake Rolex, c) a fake of a fake Rolex.

5.) Whenever you’re running a little short of funds you … a) dig in other people’s couches for loose change when no one is watching, b) consign your wife’s family heirlooms to Benny’s Pawn Shop and Hair Salon, c) go wading for lucky pennies in the church fountain.

6.) You enjoy the holiday season because … a) the homeless shelter serves a great Christmas dinner, b) you can regift the presents people give you for Christmas throughout the year, c) after Halloween you can gather up enough toilet paper hanging from trees and cars to last your family the entire year.

7.) Your squeeze chute is … a.) older than Methuselah and held together by rust and cobwebs, b) not worth its weight in scrap metal, c) a gate swung up against a fence.

8.) You acquire your range bulls by … a) purchasing them for beef price in the slaughter run at the auction market, b) taking a pair fence pliers you bought at an estate auction for one dollar and cutting your fences, thereby letting your cows get bred by your neighbor’s $5,000 purebred bulls, c) leaving every tenth male a bull when you work your calves at branding.

9.) For your silver wedding anniversary you … a) took the wife to McDonalds where you enjoyed free crackers and tomato soup by mixing two free cups of hot water with some ketchup packages. b) spent the evening quietly at home, had the wife prepare a big meal and you sat in your easy chair and swatted flies with the new fly swatter you got her as a silver anniversary gift, c) presented her with a fancy broach and a huge rock in the middle, which was actually the big kidney stone you passed this year.

10.) Your wife has been begging ever since she gave birth to your 10th child for a new house that doesn’t leak, and she constantly complains that your satellite dish has more square footage than your home, so you finally agreed to … a) move your mobile home under the hay shed so its tin roof wouldn’t leak so bad, b) put some curtains in the tack room and move her in there, c) get a smaller satellite dish.

Answers: If you answered “a” to most of the questions you should be ashamed of yourself, squandering money like that. If you answered “b” to most questions you are responsible and quite possibly could have enough money left at the end of your life to pay for two months in a below average convalescent center. If you answered “c” to ALL questions, Congratulations, you just might be as big a skinflint as I am. ❖

Lee Pitts

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