Lee Pitts: It’s the Pitts 12-26-11
December 27, 2011
My grandpa always said, “horses don’t improve with age … especially right after you just bought one.”
As verification of grandpa’s wisdom I offer the following account of actual events as told to me by my friend George. I believe I have the story correct but if details are lacking it is only because George couldn’t stop laughing long enough to recount the epic saga. To fully appreciate this story it’s necessary to understand a few basic plumbing terms such as shut-off valve, porcelain bowl and triple overtime.
The words, “Mommy, Daddy, I want a horse,” have struck fear in the hearts of parents for generations. But seldom do parents actually respond to this demand. (I know mine didn’t.) Oh sure, parents might buy their kids the proverbial stick horse for Christmas, but some light-headed friends of George actually did the unthinkable and purchased a live horse for their brood. Now, the breed of horse they bought is not the first one usually considered for one’s dearly beloved children. In fact, seldom have the breed name and the words, “kid’s horse,” ever been used in the same sentence. But the price was right.
Dear readers, for future reference let it be known that in considering the traits necessary in a horse that your kids will be walking under and around, the price of said beast probably should not be the primary consideration.
On the first day of new ownership Daddy thought he’d better “take the edge off” the mare by lunging her around in a circle. In preparation for a big day of horsey rides the progeny had invited all their friends over, but they quickly tired of the horse and relocated inside the house to play video games. On their way into the home they, as kids have been known to do, left the back door wide open.
In retrospect, popping a whip in the air above a mare afraid of her own shadow was probably not a good idea. The outlaw bolted, leaving on an unscheduled flight and she ended up following the kids through the back door of the house. Perhaps it was a kid’s horse after all and just wanted to join the youngsters and play video games. The mare ran across the kitchen linoleum, cutting it with her metal shoes, got one glimpse of the wild-eyed kids and immediately took a powder in the family’s small bathroom. Wedged in tighter than a bloated cow in a squeeze chute.
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The one small bathroom in the house was now occupied indefinitely by one very large horse. And if you thought getting a woman out of the bathroom was bad you ought to try a female horse! It could have been worse though, luckily no one was atop the toilet at the time. But in her headlong dash into the restroom the mare had knocked the throne off its pedestal, if you get my drift. Water started spurting up with more regularity, and with more volume, than Old Faithful, which was good in a way because the mare had worked herself into quite a lather and was overheating.
Naturally the plumber was called, but you know how hard it is to get a plumber, especially when you leave a message on his machine like: “Can you come out immediately. We have a large horse stuck in our small bathroom, it’s getting a little swampy, and the mare is kicking so hard no one dares crawl in the bathroom with her. We were wondering if you could come out quickly?”
You know how it is when you drink too much soda and then hear rushing water? Well, naturally the mare had just such an urge. I guess she figured as long as she was in the bathroom she might as well use it for the purpose it was intended.
Surprise, surprise, the family’s homeowner’s insurance would not cover the shredded linoleum nor the structural damage, so George’s friends decided to sell the horse to help pay for the repairs. But when they went to load the beast in a trailer she would not enter. This from a mare who willingly barged into a small bathroom filled with strange objects. The cherubic children were crying uncontrollably about losing their horse, but through her tears the youngest daughter noticed the mare’s unwillingness to load and suggested, “Maybe she just wants to use the bathroom before she goes.”