Lee Pitts: It’s the Pitts 3-28-11
I’ve been to two weddings lately and neither was inside a church. One was on the beach at sunrise where the barefooted couple was joined in matrimony by a pony-tailed preacher named “Big Wave Dave.” The other “non-traditional” wedding was in an airport hanger. After the vows the betrothed skydived to earth together, which seems appropriate, don’t you think?
These days a groom can take their bride for a ride while river rafting, dog sledding and downhill skiing. A growing number of young people are even tying the knot in romantic ranch settings. The advantages of a ranch wedding are obvious: you can register for gifts at the feed store, the only Limousin involved is a breed of cattle and Dear Abby is totally unprepared to tell you how to stage the event. I, however am not.
Q: What should the bride and groom wear for a ranch wedding?
A: Lots of boots and buckles. No soft shoes, sidearms or handcuffs. The bride should wear a white Stetson, a black one if it isn’t her first trip down the bridal path.
Q: What music should be played?
A: “Your Cheating Heart.”
Q: What flowers are appropriate for a ranch wedding?
A: No alfalfa sprout garlands in the hair or anything else that might attract hungry cows. You don’t want your wedding stampeded by beasts who think it’s feeding time.
Q: Speaking of beasts, are guests still seated on the bride or groom’s “side”?
A: No. The groom probably has no friends and it might get confusing if the two lovebirds are related.
Q: Invitations are so expensive, how can they be deleted?
A: Just spread the word thatyou are having a roping after the wedding and everyone will show up, including several lonely cowboys who just want to kiss the bride.
Q: Our only concern with having a wedding outdoors is that it might rain?
A: Let’s hope so. Spouses are like buses, a new one comes along every 10 minutes but a good rain is rare.
Q: Is there anything wrong with having the weddingguests sit on bales of hay?
A: With the high price of hay the guests may take home your hay in their pockets.
Q: How much should we expect to pay for a ranch wedding?
A: What’s this “WE” business? All expenses should be paid by the father of the bride. The only thing the groom has to do is show up with his hair combed.
Q: Our preacher refuses to marryus in a corral. Any suggestions?
A: Hire the veterinarian to bemasterof ceremonies. No doubt, he’ll show up late but get him to look at the lump-jawed cow while he’s there.
Q: It is proper to throw rice at a ranch wedding?
A: Rice is not considered environmentally correct any more. Alfalfa cubes would be better … that way the cows will take care of the cleanup.
Q: Is it absolutely necessary toserve alcohol at a ranch wedding?
A: Are you serious? When the groom says he’s “going to tie one on” he’s not referring to a necktie or an apron.
Q: My future husband is flat broke. Do we need a prenuptial agreement?
A: No, you need your head examined. What do you see in this guy anyway?
Q: Do you have any other quick tips about having a wedding back at the ranch?
A: Yes … watch your step.