Lee Pitts: It’s the Pitts 7-22-13
Dateline: New York City: Residents of this fair city won’t be bringing home the bacon, or any other foodstuff, any time soon as today New York City officially became the first American city to outlaw food. In blaming food for the Big Apple’s obesity problems, billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomburger said, “Around the world death has been directly linked to food consumption. Gluten kills, fat kills, carbohydrates kill and fast food kills. KIll, kill, kill. Food kills. That is why I am making it illegal.”
This comes on the heels of the overturning of Bloomburger’s ban on 32 ounce sodas in The Big Apple. When a court challenge to Bloomburger’s soda ban reached trial the Judge took a swig from his Big Gulp soda, looked Mayor Bloomburger in the eye and asked, “Are you crazy?”
After the judge overturned his soda ban Bloomburger really said, “People will die.” Which may, or may not, have happened with, or without, his soda ban.
Now Bloomburger has fought back with a ban on all food. “Farmers and ranchers use far too much water to grow food which could be put to a higher use in New York City’s fountains, hot tubs and swimming pools.” Water consumption will still be allowed in New York City but not if it comes in a plastic bottle. Being caught with one of those could land you on death row. Bloomburger’s ban will make it a class one felony punishable by life in prison if you are caught with what used to be called a “garden.”
After the food ban was put in place no stray dogs could be found on the empty streets, birds rerouted their flight plans to escape a barrage of shotgun blasts, and farmer’s markets were raided by hungry policemen who confiscated the evidence. All remaining gourmet cat food was grabbed off supermarket shelves, you couldn’t find a rat trap to save yourself, and boning knives and ammunition traded in back street black markets even though guns had been outlawed years before by Mayor Bloomburger. New Yorkers sized each other up suspiciously and one resident, who was found with salmon eggs and worms in his refrigerator, screamed as he was drug off to jail, “It’s bait. Really. For fishing.” But it sure looked like sushi to this reporter.
As food riots ripped through the Big Apple’s mean streets Bloomburger called an emergency news conference. Looking pale and drawn the Mayor said, “Where’d everyone go?” Bloomburger said he was optimistic the food riots wouldn’t last more than a few days and he continued to insist that the positives of reducing his city’s obesity problems far outweighed any personal issues New Yorkers might have. He also stated, “Just you wait and see, my food ban will cure New York’s crime and unemployment, and will significantly reduce our carbon foot print.”
California Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown said he admired Bloomburger’s courage and vision and said he was intrigued by the food ban and its potential for solving his state’s many problems.
President Obama went to New York City to survey the carnage from a helicopter and assured everyone that, although he had not quite finished reading his ObamaCare law, he was “pretty sure” their rapidly deteriorating health problems would be covered. He also warned the few rich Republicans who still lived in New York City that the food ban would in no way change the status of their ongoing IRS audits.
In the aftermath of Bloomburger’s announcement a big bite was taken out of The Big Apple as residents scurried out of town like rats bailing out of a sinking ship. New Jersey Governor Christie, who has had his own issues with obesity said, “New Yorkers are welcome in New Jersey where food is still legal.”
To which one New Yorker replied, “I’d die before I’d move to Jersey.”
Which, if he doesn’t rent a U-Haul soon, seems like a very good possibility. ❖