Mad Jack Hanks: Tales From The O-NO Ranch 9-30-13 |

Mad Jack Hanks: Tales From The O-NO Ranch 9-30-13

Gentle readers, when I rolled out of the rack at six this morning I swear I felt new twinges of discomfort that I hadn’t felt before. That can be so discouraging. My shoulders are now giving me fits and that’s both of them. I pondered … “could it be the hay I loaded and then unloaded not so long ago?” I’ve decided that it’s just possible that my old bod is just giving up the fight after 73 years of life on this earth. Some of those years were extremely difficult on the human body. You cowboys know exactly what I’m talkin’ about here.

I received some cute emails lately that paint a more clear picture of my current situation.

If a rabbit runs and hops all of his life and lives only 10 to 12 years and a tortoise does mostly nothing but mosey along and lives to be 150 years … why should we exercise?

If walking was good for you the postman would be immortal!

The difference between a rut in the ground and a grave is the depth.

It is, for a fact, far easier to get older than it is to get wiser!

It is also extremely hard to make a comeback when you have been mostly nowhere.

I have often mentioned the cute young women that I am privileged to dance with. Here’s a cute story about the old guy (like me) that was very wealthy (unlike me) who went to a large social event with his new bride. She was not only ravishing, she was only in her earlyl 20s.

A couple of his buddies pulled him aside and wanted to know how on God’s green earth he was able to get such a young trophy wife. “Bob, how did you do that? Did you tell her you were in your early 50s?”

Bob answers, “I told her I was in my early 90s!”

Ponder on this if you will: Now, I promise this is no bull, I actually did this not so long ago and I was so proud of myself afterward. The phone rings and I hear a young and sexy voice ask, “Is this Jack?”

Of course I perked right up. “Yes it is,” I responded.

“Oh high Jack … how is your weather up there today?” she asked.

I told her it was fine but began to now wonder who would be asking me such a question.

“Jack, my name is Amy and I had a special offer I wanted you to consider if you’ve ever had any plumbing or heating issues …”

Before I let her finish, I offered this … “Amy unless you are looking for a date tonight you have the wrong number!”

Befuddled, she remained silent for a short moment and then replied, “Thank you for your time Mr. Hanks” and then she abruptly hung up.

I colored myself “cool” for being so cleaver.

Here’s one more thing to ponder: the Muslin brotherhood warned our government last week that if we didn’t quit meddling in the middle east they would no longer provide us with Motel managers, taxi drivers, quick stop managers and no more technical assistance for our computers!! Put that in yer pipe and smoke it Charlie Brown. For Pete’s sake, what is this world coming to anyway?

Stay tuned, check yer cinch on occasion, salute old Glory and I’ll c y’all, all y’all. ❖