Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 1-10-11 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 1-10-11

Welcome to 2011. Just think, 10 years ago during the so-called Y2K crisis, the world was about to come to an end when all our computers failed. Now, here we are in 2011 and the world as we know it is predicted to end because all of our political and banking institutions have failed. I’m betting that don’t happen either. We’ll probably just keep muddling along. I’m hoping we have a little fun together along the way.

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Let’s start off the New Year with a cute Christmas story from the last one. This is a true story, but from several years past. I just heard about it a couple of weeks ago.

This cowboy I know – better known as S. Claus during the holidays because he often plays the role of Santa at various community get-togethers – had donned his red suit for some special occasion and wuz in the midst of his appearance.

That’s when “Santa” noticed a big-eyed little boy he knew well because in real life he often bought alfalfa hay from the lad’s father. Then, Santa got an idea.

He approached the little boy, leaned down and whispered to him, “Son, do you know where I could get some good alfalfa hay for my reindeer? They’re getting mighty hungry carrying all the toys in my sleigh. They need an alfalfa snack to keep their energy up.”

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The little boy ran to his daddy and said, “Santa needs to get some alfalfa hay for his reindeer. Can he get some of ours?”

Of course, Dad agreed to provision Santa’s reindeer and even told Santa where to find the hay.

Santa’s appearance went off without a hitch and he Ho-Ho-Hoed himself out into the night.

Well, the next day, Santa crafted a big cardboard check for $50 for alfalfa hay, made the check out to the little boy, signed it “Santa Claus” and put the “check” into the family’s mailbox. Then he called the boy’s parents so they could make sure their son got the mail that day.

Sure enuf, when the little boy got the mail, he came running all-excited back to their home, held the check high over his head, and exclaimed, “Santa DID get some of our alfalfa hay for his reindeer and he even paid us $50 for it. Here’s his check!”

I think that is a neat aggie Christmas story.

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Here’s another story – not Christmas related, and not so much neat as it is queasy to the stomach. But, it, too, is true. It happened decades ago on a family farm in northeast Missouri.

Two boys, ol’ Willie Spitt and his cousin Juan A. Spitt, were entering their teen years. They grew up in a tobacco-chewing, snoose-dipping family. Their grandpa chewed. Their daddies chewed. Their older cousins chewed. They determined that they, too, were old enuf to start chewing.

So, one day, the men folk of the family were sitting around in the shade, each relaxing with a refreshing chew and chewing the fat amongst themselves.

Willie and Juan worked up their courage, walked up to their grandpa, and boldly asked, “Got any chew for us, Gramps?”

To their surprise, Gramps nonchalantly replied, “Sure do boys. Got two kinds. Got one kind I KNOW is real good and another kind that I THINK is equally as good. Which kind do you boys want?”

Will and Juan looked at each other and agreed, “We want the kind you know is good.”

That’s when Gramps threw a monkey wrench into their wringer. He put his wrinkled paw under his lower lip and discharged a slobbery gob of well-used Red Man into it, held it out to the boys and said. “Guess you boys will have to share this chew I KNOW is good.”

I suspect that it wuz a good while later before either of the boys asked Gramps for a chew again.

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I went with my ol’ Missouri buddy, Canby Handy, to the St. Joseph, Mo., livestock auction a couple of days before Christmas. While I wuz there, I went into the restaurant for a cup of hot coffee and noticed two really good signs on the wall. 

They are worth sharing. One said, “Bed and Breakfast. You make both!” The other sign said, “I don’t spread gossip. So, listen close the first time!”

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Well, guess it’s time to quit spreading B.S. and get started on keeping all my new year resolutions. So, until we meet here next week, remember these words of wisdom about new year’s resolutions from none other than Mark Twain: “New Year’s Day is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” Have a good ‘un.