Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 1-31-11 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 1-31-11

Over time, my desk and my mind get clogged with tidbits of pretty much useless information that arrives within my mental realm from myriad sources. Since I suspect most of you have as much use for useless information as I do, I want to share this mental clutter with you.

For instance, my friend Jay Esse from Lakewood, Colo., reports that he’s figgered out the main cause of global warming. Jay sez it’s the government’s fault and here’s why: The government is the reason we have daylight savings time. It gives us more hours of sunshine. Well, more hours of sunshine means more heat in the atmosphere and that is undoubtedly the cause of global warming.

Too bad the government doesn’t think and reason as clearly as Jay.

***

When someone uses the expression, “I’ve got your goat,” I’ve wondered just where that phrase originated. Now I know.

It used to be that the owners of high strung thoroughbred race horses would place a goat in the stall with the horses to help calm them down. Sometimes an unscrupulous person would steal the horse’s goat friend in order to upset the horse so it would not race well and the thief could win a wager.

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Wager you didn’t know that.

***

Lots of beef eaters have wondered about the toughness of beef steaks in restaurants these days. I’ve heard the reason is modern beef genetics, lack of marbling in the meat, USDA grading standards, too much imported beef, too much exported beef, time on full feed. No one seems to know the answer.

Then I heard an alternate explanation from my good buddy, Sol. E. Mender, who makes his living fixing cowboy boots. Sol sez you can’t get a decent piece of leather these days for repairing boots and shoes because all the good leather is being used for restaurant steaks.

***

Another friend in the pond and terrace bizness, ol’ Claude Muver, tells me it’s nigh on impossible to show a profit these days. Seems that no matter how much earth he moves, he still loses ground.

***

I went to an extension service farm management meeting recently. One speaker said in these harsh economic times a foolish farmer and his money are soon parted.

That got me to thinking. I’d like to know how they got together in the first place. He didn’t explain that.

***

Recently, my wife, ol’ Nevah Yield, complained good-naturedly that I have too many old clothes in my closets. She politely said that I’d “outgrown” them and I should clean out my closets and give those perfectly good clothes to the Salvation Army store.

I told her, equally politely, that I haven’t “outgrown” those jeans and shirts, I’d simply been living beyond my seams.

***

I read where American farmers and ranchers are saving the least amount of money per capita in modern times. The story also said they have acquired many of the same bad money habits of their city cousins.

I see that as at least partially good news. Now we know that saving money is not habit forming.

***

All you have to do is read and listen and you can find all types of “experts” and “talking heads” who have all the answers to all the problems facing American agriculture and the U.S. economy.

That got me to thinking. Where do all these “experts” come from? It seems to me that today’s “expert” is nothing more than a feller or gal who thinks they know where yesteryear’s “expert” went wrong.

***

From Wyoming comes this tidbit. A local assisted living home had a party for a small group of folks who were celebrating 100 years of life that month. 

A local reporter wuz interviewing them and asking to what they attributed their longevity. Some answers were praying daily, eating good food, exercising regularly, having lots of friends, good humor, listening to music, eating an onion a day, etc.

But the best answer wuz from a long-retired rancher. He answered, “breathing.”

***

You’re probably out of breath from reading all this stuff, so I’ll give you a breather and quit for the week with these words of wisdom about longevity from historian Shelby Foote: “Longevity conquers scandal every time.”

Hope you’re conquering your scandals. Have a good ‘un.