Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 10-17-11 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 10-17-11

I talked last week about all the fun I had fishing for four days recently with my New Mexico buddy Elpee Peavine and his sons. But, I didn’t get all the stories told.

One absolutely lovely fall evening we combined fishing for catfish in the Cottonwood River with an old-fashioned wiener roast with a bunch of our mutual friends.

We found a huge gravel bar along the Cottonwood that would accommodate a bunch of pickups, a bunch of fisherman and ample room for preparing and eating the hotdogs with baked beans, chips, pickled eggs and okra and a wide array of condiments. We fished until after dark and, although the catfish didn’t cooperate very well, we had a grand time.

But one thing that happened wuz funny. Ol’ Elpee decided to use some shad sides for bait. For those who don’t know, shad sides are stinky – of the first rank. Putrid rank!

Being the good friend that I am, I volunteered to use my needlenose pliers to put the shad sides on Elpee’s hook.

Elpee thanked me, but his thanks wuz a bit premature. Not long after he settled down in a lawn chair to watch his rod and bait, I sneaked up behind him and took the lid off the jar of cut shad and held it upwind of his nose a couple of feet.

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As some of the other folks watched in silent glee, we watched Elpee’s reaction as the stench of that fish bait reached his nose. The reaction wuz like smelling salts, but with a putrid twist.

We all got a big laugh – including Elpee.

The corn harvest is done and the soybean harvest is in full swing – and a sad state of affairs it is. The continuing drought whupped it on our crops this summer. 

Corn yields probably averaged 30-40 bushels per acre. A lot of the soybeans aren’t making 10 bushels – plus the beans shattering, are dinky and some of them are an off-green color that earns a substantial dock in price.

And, to top it off, most of the wheat is being seeded in dry dirt in hopes of a rain.

All in all, it’s a very lamentable harvest. Thank goodness for crop insurance.

My good friend Roe Sinburg from Bridgeport, Texas, sent me this good teacher story.

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a high school teacher in a rural community, but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t too noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smarty punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and, before trying any pranks, wondered how tough he really was.  

The teacher was way ahead of them. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his necktie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline that year.

And, from Colorado, comes this story: 

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. 

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Hopefully, you’ve been so sufficiently stimulated by this column that it’s safe to quit for the week. I’ll close with these appropriate words of wisdom from the ancient philosopher Ovid: “There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled.”

OK, go have a good stimulating nap now.