Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 10-3-11 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 10-3-11

Well, the extreme drought is not over, but we got 2-inches of rain this week at Damphewmore Acres and it wuz enuf to “melt” the edges of the cracks in the ground and to freshen up the grass and the pond water. I’d guess we need at least a foot of rainfall to get back to normal for the year, but at this point, those 2-inches of rain were a welcome respite.

I love fall in the Flint Hills. Most of the fall flowers in the prairie are yellow, but this year there is also a profusion of purple Blazing Star. It is one of the most innocuous of plants during the summer – looking like a pine tree seeding about to die. But then in the fall it turns into a beautiful purple spike. I have an abundance of them here at home, but the bigger pastures are full of their color, too.

We’ve getting a new roof on our home, finally. We got hit by a sizable hail storm in April and the roofers have been so busy, they are just not getting to our roof. As I write this, the roof is about 75 percent complete. 

Ever since we moved here, we’ve had repeated problems with shingles blowing off in high winds. So, we’re moving beyond composite shingles and putting a 26 gauge metal roof on this time – light gray with charcoal trim. My roof damage days may not be over because hail can ruin any roof, but at least the expensive shingle-replacing days are going to be over.

Went with a buddy last week to pick up a grain/grass drill that he bought from a farmer near Platte City, Mo.

The drill wuz so wide it took up more than its fair share out of any two-lane highway, but my buddy pulled it home without incident – that is if you discount a few traffic cones in some highway construction zones.

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Overheard tidbits from the rural coffee shop:

• The cost of living keep going up, but it’s still the most popular thing to do.

• My wife got lost in thought and it was unfamiliar territory for her.

• Give me the bacon. I drive way too carelessly to worry about my cholesterol.

• Your mind is like a steel trap – rusty and outlawed in a lot of states.

• The only culture in this place is in the yogurt and the cottage cheese.

• I love the lottery. It’s a voluntary tax on dumb people.

• Cowgirls won’t tell you their age. Cowboys won’t act theirs.

• Baling hay pays off next winter. Not baling hay pays off today. So, I’m not baling hay today.

• I’m accident prone. I’m afraid if I stop to think I’ll forget to get started again.

• I went to a horse sale and bought a beautiful mare, at least until I got home and figured out that her beauty was in the eye of the beer holder.

Did you hear about the farmer who took too many questionable business deductions on his farm that he ended up being audited by the IRS?

The morning of the audit, he went into the tax man’s office and immediately noticed a jar of crimson-colored liquid sitting on his desk.

Wanting to ease the tension a bit, the farmer tried to start up a conversation by asking, “That’s an interesting jar you have there. What’s in it?”

Without looking up from his papers nor cracking a grin, the auditor replied, “I’m pretty proud of that jar. It’s full of blood from a turnip.”

I don’t know how much penalty and interest the farmer had to pay on his taxes.

Ol’ Claude Hopper, a farmer friend of mine, bought a run-down farm 30 years ago and has spent his life turning it into a highly productive farm.

He tells me that recently he wuz doing his fall field work and wuz stopped briefly at his pickup to get a cool drink of water when the new minister at his rural church spied him and pulled his car over. 

Rolling down his car window, the minister stuck out his arm to Claude, smiled and said, “I’m your new minister, G. Ladd Hander. Just wanted to say what a nice piece of property you and the Lord have here.”

Claude shook the minister’s hand and replied, “Yeh, I guess. But you should have seen it when only the Lord owned and managed it.”

Well, you’re probably tired of heavy laughing and heavy thinking by now, so I’ll quit for the week with these anonymous words of wisdom: “A man who thinks he’s smarter than his wife doesn’t know how smart his wife is.”

Have a good ‘un.