Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 12-26-11 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 12-26-11

Tis Christmas time and friends from all over have been telling me Christmas stories that brought a smile to my face. So I want to share those stories with you.

***

A married ranch couple from the “horsey” set had been out Christmas shopping at the massive farm supply story for most of the afternoon when, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared.”

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded, “Where in the dickens are you?”

Her hubby answered, “Dear, you remember a few weeks ago back here in the saddlery department you saw that fancy, hand-tooled barrel racing saddle and totally fell in love with it. And, remember I said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day.'”

His wife responded with a bright smile on her lips, “Yes, I remember that, my love.”

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Her beloved hubby, replied, “Well, I’m in the pet food department next to the saddlery department.”

I’ll bet he got a lump of coal in his Christmas stocking.

***

And in a small rural town, the only atheist in the community created a big scene about a nativity scene on the courthouse square. So, he hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and observances of their holy days. His argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. 

The case was brought before a local judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the atheist’s lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas. Plus, they have Easter and others. Even the Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”  

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant.”  

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”  

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.”

You gotta love a judge who knows his scripture!  

***

Then there is the story of the country bumpkin who was browsing in a crafts store in Branson, Mo., when he noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. He thought he might find an instrument simple enuf for his wife to learn to play and give it to her for Christmas.

After looking over the flutes, dulcimers, guitars, harmonicas and kazoos, he picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument which he mistook to be some kind of a strange new mouth harp. He put it to his lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, his wife came up and whispered in his ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

***

And, this next story is absolutely true. A local rancher has a tom cat who loves to travel. It’s a novelty because we all know most cats like travel almost as much as they like baths.

Anyway, whenever this rancher starts up his flatbed truck – which has nothing on the bed but a cattle cube feeder – the tom cat hops up on the bed for a free ride.

As of the time I heard about the cat, the rancher had taken ol’ Tom on a full day trip to Kansas City and back, which is more than 200 miles round trip. The rancher says the cat drew a lot of attention from motorists on the Kansas Turnpike. Plus, the old tabby stayed put on the truck bed while the rancher made several long Christmas shopping stops in the big city.

The cat has also made four trips to and from Emporia, Kan., on the back of the truck and has never jumped off once. He just curls up and makes himself at home on the truck bed whether it’s moving 70 miles per hour or parked.

The rancher says the only time Traveling Tom jumps off the truck bed is when the truck turns into the rancher’s driveway. Ol’ Tom bails off the truck and hightails it to the front porch and is waiting for the rancher by the time he gets there.

I guess we’ll never know what possessed the cat to take up truck travel. At least he doesn’t have to suffer the indignity of an airport security check.

***

In closing, we sadly buried our wonderful friend Shirley last week. She was a true friend and neighbor for decades. We’ll all miss her. I’ll let Shirley provide the words of wisdom for this column. The following handwritten note was found in her personal Bible and they are good words for us all to live by. 

“Trust in the Lord. Always do what you think in right. Treat people with respect. Count your blessings an appreciate what you have.”