Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 12-27-10
Most of the deer seasons are over for the fall/winter and I know a lot of folks who have provisioned for their families with venison in their freezers. I also know of one intrepid ol’ deer hunter – who has 13 notches on his rifle for past deer hunting successes – who marinated his deer this fall, but never ate it himself, but instead fed it to the national bird, the bald eagle. Therein lies a story as best I know it.
Ol’ Hiram went to great lengths this fall to build himself a well-concealed, and relatively warm ground blind from which to hunt his venison. Hiram’s a pretty laid back deer hunter. None of this getting out in the freezing early morning to sit in his blind with his aching arthritic joints. Nope, he waits until just before dark to spend the last few minutes of daylight in his blind. In the past, this has been a productive strategy.
For the first week of the deer season, he sat in his blind every evening waiting for a fat doe or big fawn to sacrifice itself for his provisions. None of that stringy, tough old buck venison for Hiram. But, his waiting was fruitless.
Then a cold front moved in and that evening Hiram debated with himself about the wisdom of leaving his warm living room and the exciting football games on TV to sit in his blind. Experience told him it would be a good evening because the deer would be moving, so about dark-thirty he rather reluctantly bundled up and went to his blind.
He had scarcely settled into his comfy blind when out of the deep, gathering dusk two deer appeared about 75 yards from his blind – one fat doe and a little fork-horn buck. Hiram could scarcely believe his good luck. This would be too-oo-o easy.
So, he gathered himself, slipped off the safety of his 25-06, and tried to see the crosshairs of his scope. Within a few seconds, he settled his aim on the doe and squeezed off the round. The doe whirled and bounded out of sight in the near dark, but Hiram never once doubted she wuz laying deceased within yards of where he’d shot her.
He waited a few minutes for her to meet her demise and headed out to look for her. The doe was nowhere to be seen, and Hiram didn’t have a flashlight, so he stumbled around in the now-almost-dark looking for her. He just couldn’t believe he missed hitting that deer.
About that time, he heard a crashing in the dark and briefly saw a wounded deer bound out of sight over a nearby pond dam – followed by a big splash. It took a minute or so for Hiram to arrive on the scene and what he saw wuz disheartening. His wounded doe wuz swimming out to the middle of the 5-acre pond.
He didn’t want to shoot at the doe in the pond and risk a ricocheting bullet, so he headed to his nearby home to get an ATV with headlights to find the deer when it swam to the bank. When he got back, he drove the pond bank and nearby tall grass and couldn’t find the deer. After a lengthy search, Hiram gave up and wuz determined to search again in the morning.
Hiram fretted all night about leaving a wounded deer afield, but as it turned out, his fretting wuz for naught. That’s becuz at first light Hiram took his binoculars and looked out his picture window where he could see the now-frozen pond surface.
Yep, you guessed it. Right in the middle was his deer, well-marinated in muddy pond water and frozen in place. Obviously, the doe had swam to the middle of the pond and drowned.
As Hiram ate his breakfast and pondered the events of the previous evening, he glanced out and saw a big bald eagle settle down on the frozen carcass and proceed to gorge itself. Later that same day, the bald eagle wuz joined by an even-bigger golden eagle, a pair of coyotes, and a murder of crows.
“Oh, well,” he sighed to himself. “I’ll just chalk this hunt up to a bad experience. But, it’s not all bad. At least I’m feeding the national bird.”
A friend recently sent me an e-mail urging me to take care of myself this New Year’s Eve. The e-mail cited that a recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23 percent of traffic accidents on New Year’s Eve are alcohol related.
My friend pointed out that this means that the remaining 77 percent are caused by careless folks who drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and other healthful drinks.
Therefore, he warned – beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents as folks who do.
I’m sure glad I have friends who care so much about my well-being.
I’ll close with these words of wisdom about drinking from redneck comic Jeff Foxworthy: “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get suckered into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
Have a good, and safe, ‘un.
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