Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 2-13-12 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 2-13-12

I heard on the news recently about the growing incidence of rural homestead burglaries. That reminded me of a story sent recently from ol’ Jay Esse, a reader in Colorado, about a young farm wife who returned from her job in town to find that her family’s home had been ransacked by burglars.

After her initial shock at seeing her home is such disarray, the lady dutifully called the county sheriff’s office. The dispatcher told her the nearest available law officer would be there shortly to look the crime scene over, take her statement, and make a list of all items that had been stolen.

As it turned out, the closest deputy sheriff to the home wuz the deputy with a K-9 dog with him in the patrol car. As soon as the deputy arrived on the scene, he got out of his patrol car, hooked a leash to the canine’s harness, and started toward the house.

He was about half way up the sidewalk when the distraught farm wife came out on the porch and exclaimed, “Just my luck. I come home to find my house robbed. I call the sheriff’s office and a blind deputy sheriff arrives to investigate.”

***

Modern medicine works many seeming miracles, but then you hear a story that reminds us all that it always pays to maintain your own personal input into your medical treatments.

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Take the case of the elderly farmer who had a weak heart and it got so bad his medical team told him his only hope of survival was a heart transplant. The farmer waited for several months before he got the call he’d been waiting for. 

His medical team said he was lucky because there were not one, but three, transplant hearts available for him to choose from. His lead doctor explained the possible donor hearts. One wuz from a young healthy athlete who collapsed during a post-game party. The second wuz from a 30-year-old businessman who keeled over from business stress, but he’d never drank or smoked in his life. The third heart was from a divorce attorney who’d practiced his craft for 40 years, but wuz run over by a maddened husband.

The farmer took only a moment to choose. “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” he said.

Well, the transplant operation went successful in every way and when the farmer came back for his first post-op examination and checkup, the doctor pronounced him fit as a fiddle. But then the doctor asked, “I’ve been wondering. Why did you select the donor that you did? It was the oldest heart available.”

“True,” said the farmer, “But I knew it had never been used.”

***

I’m on a lawyer story roll now, so here’s another one:

Two ranchers, one wealthy and one poor, sued each other for damages involving broken fences, genetically-challenged bulls, diminished calf crops, wasted time and effort, and mental suffering.

The wealthy rancher involved enlisted the services of the most expensive attorney in the county. The poor rancher hired the crookedest attorney in the county and got a guarantee he would win the case or there would be no cost.

The expensive attorney said his fees would be $7,500 to try the case. The crooked attorney said his fee would only be $2,000.

The poor farmer with the crooked attorney won the case in half an hour. His lawyer paid his brother, the judge, $1,000, while keeping the other $1,000 for himself.

***

A cousin from Missouri read my column from a couple of weeks ago about my getting fleeced buying a scam from a seed catalog. I guess she felt sorry for me becuz she sent me a Daily Survival Kit that she guaranteed will work. Here’s what the kit contained:

Toothpick to remind me to pick the good qualities in everyone.

Rubber band to remind me to be flexible.

Band-Aid to remind me to heal hurt feelings, both mine and anyone else’s.

Eraser to remind me everyone makes mistakes and to learn from my errors.

Candy Kiss to remind me everyone needs a hug or a compliment every day.

Mint to remind me that I am worth a mint to my family and friends.

Bubble Gum to remind me that if I stick with it I can accomplish anything.

Pencil to remind me to list my blessings every day.

Tea Bag to relax me daily as I go over my list of blessings.

I think that’s a good survival kit for everyone.

***

Okay, I’ll end this now with a few final words of wisdom about lawyers. An anonymous soul said, “Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.”

Have a good ‘un.