Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 2-14-11
Well, I’ve survived the Great Winter Blizzard of 2011 so far. It wuz a real mess, but I’m thankful we didn’t get much worse here at Damphewmore Acres. The good folks south and east of us got hit much harder. However, it was 7 degrees below zero this morning.
For my New Millennium Agri-Technomic invention this week, I’ll show you the new technology that I put on the market while I lived in Iowa. It single-handedly boosted that state to No. 1 in egg production in the U.S.
First off, as with any inventor worth the name, I saw a big need and a marketing opportunity. That need wuz that a laying hen, when you stop to think about it, is very inefficient. First, she has to get into the mood to lay an egg. Then she has to find a nest. Not much you can do about those first two steps.
But then, after she gets into her nest, she waits and strains for a long time before she lays her egg. Then she sets a lot longer contemplating this shelled miracle that she wrought. Then she decides to brag on her achievement by wasting a bunch of precious minutes cackling about her good deed. Then, when she’s darned good and ready, she finally leaves her nest so another hen can replace her and go through the same time-wasting procedure.
Well, I put a stop to all that wasted time – and got maximum egg production in a minimum of time – with the Hi-Volt Egg-O-Matic.
Here’s how it works. Just as soon as Mrs. Clucker gets up on the nest, the electrified skull cap carefully eases down over her comb.
When it touches her comb, that completes an electrical circuit and a mild voltage of electricity runs down through her body and “shocks the shell” out of her.
It’s been a multibillion dollar money maker for the poultry industry – and been pretty lucrative for me, too.
I just got off the phone with a friend in Wisconsin. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.
He said, his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
His marriage sounds a lot like mine to ol’ Nevah Yield.
I see where the “givernment” is going to bite the fiscal bullet real hard and cut a whopping $100-million from the $3.5 trillion federal budget!
That sounded so commendable and I was so impressed by this sacrifice that I have decided to volunteer to do the same thing with our personal budget. Just seemed like the patriotic thing to do.
So, I got out my trusty pocket calculator and did a little calculating to see how much we needed to cut from our personal budget.
Looking at all our bills at Damphewmore Acres, I figgered out we spend about $4,000 a month on groceries, medicine, utilities, feed, fuel, and various other payments. So, it wuz time to get out the budget-cutting ax, go line-by-line through our expenses, and go to work.
Some sharp arithmetic with my calculator determined that if we’re going to cut our spending at exactly the same ratio as the “givernment” then we need to slash 1/35,000th of our total budget.
So, after doing the math, I found out that instead of spending $4,000 a month, we’re going to have to cut that number by 12 whole cents!
Whoa, baby! Yikes! How are we going to get by on only $3,999.88 per month?
Suddenly, it didn’t seem like such a huge cut on our budget as I first thought. Not much of a sacrifice is all.
We’ll just have to go without 12-cents worth of luxuries. Gosh, I hope our “givernment” can survive with such a massive budget cut!
Well, I’ll close for the week with some words of wisdom about budgets and budgeting from famous Oklahoma cowboy philosopher Will Rogers: “The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.”
Hope you thaw out soon and have a good ‘un.
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