Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 2-7-11
We’re having some unusual weather today. Temperature is 55 degrees, but the wind is from the northwest – not common in winter. Oh, well, it’s predicted to get below 5 degrees this weekend, so I’m not going to get used to warm weather.
A couple flocks of robins have got the weather wrong, too. I saw them land in my frozen yard looking for worms when it wuz nearly covered with snow and around 10 degrees. They’d better head back south.
You’ll recall that last year I concluded my era as a humorous public speaker for rural groups. Every good thing has to come to an end sometime. Then, I got to thinking. I never got a chance to entertain in person most of the readers of my column, particularly those from the Western states.
Almost every time I entertained a group, one section of my gig wuz devoted to showing the audience drawings of my agri-inventions. I called them my New Millennium Agri-Technomics because they are all tongue-in-cheek new technology that would make farming/ranching jobs easier, make you money, improve the environment, or a combination of all the above.
So, to rectify that situation, I’m gonna resurrect that high-tech portion of my program, one invention at a time, whenever I get the urge. So, here’s the first one for you.
You know how all the tree huggers are convinced that methane gas from cows, bulls and all multi-chambered-stomach critters are the major cause of global warming.
Now, I don’t believe that garbage for one minute, but I will admit that simply having that negative about the beef industry in the news all the time, doesn’t do anything to increase the public perception of beef and probably hurts the overall consumption of beef.
So, rather than argue about the truth or untruth about methane gas emissions from beef critters, I decided it would be easier just to solve the problem once and for all. So, I invented the Cowtalytic Converter.
It works just like the catalytic converter on your pickup or car. No emissions except sweet-smelling water vapor. It’s easily installed when you’ve already got the beef critter in a stanchion or a squeeze chute. When all our cattle are equipped with the Cowtalytic Converter, we’ve disarmed all the beef industry critics by creating a no-contaminant, no-odor beef industry.
Just think of all the positive publicity we’d get. And, a nice side benefit is that I make a lot of money from sales of the Cowtalytic Converter.
Life as a senior citizen ain’t gettin’ any easier as time rolls along. A few days ago my wife, ol’ Nevah Yield, suggested I do something useful with my time during the day.
She suggested I go down to the senior center in Cottonwood Falls and hang out with the guys my own age. Well, I did just what she said, and when I got home, she asked what I’d done and I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, “Are you nuts? You’re 68-years-old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I proudly showed her my membership card just to prove I wuz right.
Ol Nevah replied to me, “You idiot! Where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Palomino Horse Club, not a Parachute Club!”
I’m in trouble again and don’t know what to do, becuz I signed up for five rides a week and it hurts my knees to ride horses!
Guess I’ll just keep going with the flow until the river runs dry. Until next week, remember these words of wisdom about old age from somebody named Austin O’Malley: “Religion often gets credit for curing rascals when old age is the real medicine.”
Have a good ‘un.
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