Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-12-12 |

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-12-12

One of the most aggravating conditions that can afflict a person is a persistent cold. I know because I’ve had one for two weeks – one of those colds that doesn’t make you sick, except sick of blowing your nose and coughing.

I figger if the government could invent a way to somehow robotically put together a cold like mine with a money printing press, our national debt would be over within a few months becuz that printing press could run into infinity without running out of raw materials.

For the life of me, I’ll never find out how a simple nose and a few sinuses can create such a continual and prolific flow of mucus (I’ll use the polite word). I’m reminded of what my old daddy, Czar E. Yield, used to say about a cold. He said, you could go to the doctor and he’d cure it in two weeks, or you could do nuthin’ and it could go away in 14 days. 

I think mine’s about “run” its course.


Here’s a good story I heard. An elderly farmer played the big lottery every week. But his eyesight wuz so poor that every week he asked his grown children to check his lotto numbers against the winners. It became a weekly ritual that the old man’s family considered a harmless diversion.

But, then came the week when the kids checked the farmer’s lotto numbers and discovered he wuz the big winner of multi-millions of dollars. Their excitement was quickly tempered by a worry that the excitement of winning the lottery might inflame the elderly gent’s weak heart and he might die of a heart attack.

The kids came to a decision to inform the minister of their local church and ask him to break the lottery-winning news gently to his aging parishioner and be there to help him through the stressful news.

So, the next day, the minister drops by to visit the elderly farmer. After visiting about the weather, the markets, and other community gossip, the minister broached the subject of the lottery.

He said, “You know the lottery has risen into the multi-millions these days. What do you suppose you’d do with so much money at your age if you were to win the whole thing? 

Without so much as a second thought, the old gentleman replied, “Well, the first thing I’d do is make arrangements to give half of it to the church.”

The minister keeled over from a heart-attack and the lottery winnings paid for his funeral the next week.


I got an e-mail from an article published in Beef Daily about the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) organization that deserves a little more widespread distribution. 

The article said PETA, an organization known for its uncompromising animal-rights positions, killed more than 95 percent of the pets in its care in 2011. That number came from the Center for Consumer Freedom (CCF). 

The article rhetorically asks, “Is this what PETA, an organization of self-proclaimed animal lovers, calls ‘caring for’ and ‘saving’ animals? The documents, obtained from the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, were published online by CCF, a non-profit watchdog of nanny-state groups. In fact, CCF says 15 years’ worth of similar records show PETA has killed more than 27,000 animals at its headquarters in Norfolk, Va., since 1998.

CCF reports that PETA killed 1,911 cats and dogs last year in the local facility, finding homes for only 24 pets. 

By the way, PETA has a $37-million annual budget. Maybe the folks who generously offer PETA their hard-earned money to help save animals will want to think twice. 

The article pointed out that at a time where local animal shelters have a hard time keeping their doors open, PETA and Humane Society of the U.S. (HSUS) take in tens of millions of dollars each year claiming to save unwanted pets, but instead use it for salaries, pension funds and more fundraising campaigns. 

The article concludes that PETA’s and HSUS’s efforts are little more than a thinly disguised effort “to abolish animal ownership, whether it be pets or livestock, destroy the integrity of personal property rights, and promote vegan and vegetarian lifestyles.”


Another e-mail from a Kansas rancher friend points out an ironic situation that the government finds itself in.

He said, “Milo. Isn’t it ironic that USDA seems pleased that its food stamp program is distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

“Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, puts signs in the national parks advising visitors to ‘Please do not feed the animals because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.'”


Better close on that note. My words of wisdom for the week comes from some wag named Bill Watterson. He says, “Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”

Have a good ‘un.

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