Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-18-13 |

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-18-13

Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

A young doctor, in order to have some of his educational debt forgiven if he worked in rural America, accepted a job in a small backwoods community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first farm house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach. Can you figger out what’s wrong with me?”

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger doctor said in amazement, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

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“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels and half eaten apples in the trash. That was probably what was making her sick.”

“Well, that takes the cake. Guess it shows the value of experience in accurately diagnosing maladies,” the younger doctor said. “Pretty clever. I’ll remember that little trick.”

Arriving at the next farm house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much volunteer work for the local school district,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know this family well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed a sheaf of test papers under the bed and I don’t think the lady is a teacher.”


An Iowa farmer friend of mine recently sent me a copy of a letter he’d sent to his U.S. Senator. It read:

Dear Senator,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes two of the last five years, when corn and soybean prices were high.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her higher education.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Then he signed his name.


At a recent rural elementary school assembly the topic was gun violence in America’s homes, schools and communities. The speaker was an employee of the Department of Homeland Security, filled to his fleshy shirt collar with self-importance.

He curtly asked his young audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence. What do you think we should do to stop it?”

Little Darrell, from the front row, pierced the quiet and said: “That’s easy. Stop clapping!”


Well, since it’s 60 degrees today and the robins have arrived, I’ll close with a few words of wisdom about spring from Chief Sitting Bull of the Lakota Sioux. He said, “Behold, my friends, the spring is come; the earth has gladly received the embraces of the sun, and we shall soon see the results of their love.”

Have a good ’un. ❖