Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-19-12
March 19, 2012
I’ve got a confession to make. I’m a chronic gambler. Mind you, not a compulsive gambler, but a chronic one. I play cards for money at least once a week, often two or three times a week – and sometimes, when I’m down on my luck, may lose as much as $3 or $4 per session.
Well, a couple of weeks ago, my compulsion got me into financial trouble. I lost so much money, I couldn’t pay off my gambling debt. I counted all the money on my person and came up one penny short of my fiscal and ethical obligation.
So, I did a dumb thing. I borrowed a penny from a stranger to pay the winner in full. Some other folks in the card-playing establishment took due note of my financial shortcomings, and major character flaw, and then did an honorable and charitable thing on my behalf.
First, they passed the hat and came up with about 15 cents – a very generous gesture – which they proclaimed to be a “Milo Yield Impoverished Gambler Fund.” And, then, they put that “seed money” into a tin cup and put it right next to the cash register so the public could make donations.
Well, let me tell you, I didn’t realize I had so many “friends.” Within a week, my friends donated 33 pennies and a single One Trillion Dollar bill into my “Fund.” I have no idea who donated a trillion dollars to me, but, to me, the donation was the epitome of “faceless largess.”
I’d never even seen a trillion dollar bill before, but it looked like legitimate federal currency to me because it had a president’s face on the front and “In God We Trust” imprinted on the back – along with $1 followed by 12 zeros.
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Such generosity overwhelmed me to the point that I proclaimed that the beverages and meals for all patrons of the establishment were “on me,” providing that someone could make change for that trillion dollar bill.
Alas, no one could make change. However, I’ve got that One Trillion Dollar Bill stashed safely at Damphewmore Acres, and my offer still stands for free drinks and meals, if someone has change for a trillion dollars.
All in all, I’d call my experience humbling at the least, and cautionary at the most.
This time of the year, every region of the rural countryside seems to be hosting HorseFests and Equine Expos. So, in honor of all the folks who attend these equine trade/educational shows, here are a couple of horse stories.
One day a cowboy was pulling his horse trailer through the countryside and happened to drive by a white-fenced horse farm. He glanced into a pasture near the road and saw a beautiful Quarter Horse gelding.
He pulled into the driveway hoping to find the horse’s owner and buy the animal. He found the owner mucking out stalls and said to him: “I think that gelding grazing in the pasture by the road looks pretty good. If you’ll sell him, I’ll give you $500 for him.”
The owner rubbed his jaw, pondered a bit, and replied, “That gelding doesn’t really look so good, and he’s not for sale.”
The stubborn cowboy persisted, “I think he looks just fine. I’ll up the price to $1,000.”
“I’m telling you, he doesn’t look so good,” the farmer said, “but if you want him that much, he’s yours.”
So, they loaded up the gelding. However, the next day the cowboy came back to the horse farm madder than and old wet setting hen. He went up to the farmer and screamed, “You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!”
The farmer calmly replied, “Did not! I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”
And, from an avid Missouri reader comes this enlightening e-mail entitled “Murphy’s Horse Laws.” Here they are:
1. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
2. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
3. The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
4. A horse’s misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the dollars you’ve got it priced at.
5. Your favorite tack always gets chewed on and your new blanket gets torn. The corollary, tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
6. Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
7. Clipper blades become dull when your horse is half clipped.
8. If you approach within 100 feet of your barn in clean clothes, you’ll get dirty.
9. The number of horses you own always increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
10. If you are winning in the horse bizness, quit, because there is only one way to go. Down!
I hope I’m winning with this column because I’m gonna quit before I go down. Until next week, remember these words of wisdom from some experienced person somewhere: “Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it a second time.”
Have a good ‘un.