Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-21-11 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-21-11

Ever watch “the Antique Roadshow” on television? It’s quite entertaining if you’re interested in what old stuff is worth on the market.

My ol’ sheep shearing buddy from Iowa, Nick deHyde, relays this true story to me about a mutual friend of ours and his recent experience with “the Antique Roadshow” when it came to Des Moines.

Nick sez he wuz lounging around his kitchen one evening and had the television going in the background and it wuz tuned to “the Antique Roadshow.” All of a sudden Nick realized that he recognized a voice on the show. Checking it out, he discovered that the wife of our friend, ol’ Strum N. Singitt, wuz showing an Antique Roadshow expert an old Martin guitar that Strum had purchased recently.

Let me preface the rest of the story by saying ol’ Strum traveled around the Midwest during his callow youth years playing, singing and carousing in a country music band. In his elder years, he’s enjoying adding to his collection of old guitars.

So, back to the story. Mrs. Singitt explained how Strum had purchased the Martin guitar for $150. After he did a little research on the internet, Strum found out the guitar was more rare than he’d thought and his conscience got to eating on him and he contacted the old Martin’s original owner and voluntarily paid him another $200.

But, then he got to wondering how rare his Martin really wuz and what the guitar wuz really worth. So, that’s how Mrs. Singitt ended up with it on “the Antiques Roadshow.”

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Well, as the expert examined the old Martin guitar he perked up quite a bit, made a lot of “oh, this is interesting” comments, did some consulting with other guitar experts, and then proclaimed that ol’ Sturm wuz the proud owner of “the Holy Grail of guitars” for aficionados of old time original acoustic bluegrass and mountain music.

He then pronounced that the old Martin was made during the 1920s or the Depression years, that very few had been made and that fewer still exist today.

And then – the very best music to the Singitt’s ears – he appraised the old Martin at around $35,000 to $38,000.

Now that’s what you call a very quick appreciation of a newly acquired asset. I don’t know if ol’ Strum is gonna sell his guitar or not, or whether or not he’s gonna even tell the old Martin’s original owner about “the Antique Roadshow” appraisal of it. In addition, I understand ol’ Strum is also the owner of a Gibson guitar valued at around $6,000. Either way, it looks to me like collecting guitars is far more lucrative than collecting chickens or pennies like I do.

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Anyone who grew up on a farm or lives on a farm knows that manure smells. But, no farm animal manure has got the pungency of pig manure – and that’s true whether you own or live near five pigs, 50 pigs, 500 pigs or 50,000 pigs. The plain truth is pig poop stinks and no one likes to smell it – although I will admit it’s easier to stand pig odor when pigs are selling for $90/cwt, rather than $25.

Regardless, all the experts have been searching for decades, perhaps even centuries, to find an inexpensive, scientifically-proven way to eliminate hog manure odor.

Well, they should have quit looking long ago and started looking for me because I’ve had on the market for a long time a New Millennium AgriTechnomics simple system to eliminate pig poop odor. It’s cheap, easily available, and solves the problem REAL close to the source of the odor.

Here it is, folks, the Hog Do-Do Deodorizer.

You can buy my little Hog Do-Do Deodorizers at any hardware store, farm supply store, or auto parts store for just small change. Attach it to the hog’s tail with a little clip that comes with it and – TA DA! – you’ve eliminated all the manure odor that your hog produces, and it’s within inches of the manure source.

You have four Hog Do-Do Deodorizers smells to choose from – evergreen (the most natural), peppermint, wintergreen and potpourri. Pick any of them and your neighbors will love you, not sue you. Pretty simple and neat, huh?

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Well, I’d best quit this column before you label me a simpleton. So, until next week, I’ll close with a couple of famous quotes about manure. Novelist D. H. Lawrence said, “The fairest thing in nature, a flower, still has its roots in earth and manure.” And former billionaire financier J. Paul Getty said, “Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells.”

Have a good ‘un.