Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-28-11 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-28-11

Hazards abound whenever humans and beef cattle interact. We all know of folks who lost fingers roping cattle, or who mashed thumbs in a headgate, or who broke legs and arms getting run over by a rampant bovine, or who spit out some teeth when an out-of-control critter crashed into a gate they were holding, or got hammered you-know-where by the lightning-quick kick of an unruly feeder steer.

That’s not counting the veterinarians who get broken arms preg checking wild cows or get bitten by an angry tabby or Fido.

But, I know a rancher at Yates Center, Kan., ol’ G. Ott Plopton, who suffered, not the most painful, by far, but probably the most ignominious mishap I’ve heard of recently from handling cattle.

Seems that Ott had a cow that calved during the extremely cold weather a month or so ago. The result wuz the cow suffered painful frostbite on her teats and that made her highly reluctant to let her newborn calf suckle as it should have. The result wuz a starving calf and a daily mini-rodeo involving the cow, the calf, and Ott as he tried to make it possible for the calf to suck.

On the day of the mishap, Ott got the cow into a narrow squeeze chute alley so he could hold her tight while he scraped the scabs off the end of her teats so the calf could get some milk. The cow had been through this rigmarole more than once and she wasn’t looking forward to the next episode.

Anyway, Ott approached the cow from the rear, got in real close so she couldn’t kick him, stuck his head up tight against the cow’s rear udder and got to work.

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The next thing he felt wuz something warm and heavy filling the hood of his sweatshirt. Yep, you guessed it. The ol’ cow had lifted her tail and filled Ott’s hoodie with a complete bowel evacuation of warm, green, smelly manure.

The end result was some hot exclamations by Ott, followed by a hot shower. Oh, and I might add, the calf died within the week and the cow is destined to become hamburger at some future date.

***

Ol’ Nevah is a big fan of the shopping channel on TV. It and the cooking channel are her two favorites.

Recently, we were sitting in the living room and ol’ Nevah wuz switching back and forth every minute or so between the home shopping channel and the cooking channel.

Finally, I got a bit riled up and said, “For gosh sakes, Nev, leave it on the cooking channel, you already know how to shop.”

That’s when I learned how to cook for myself for the next few days until she cooled off.

***

My thanks to the considerate reader from Nevada (the state), who sent me the following story.

Seems his U.S. senator went to a GM (Government Motors) dealer in Washington, D.C., with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. The senator looks around the showroom and finally finds one he likes.

After going back and forth with the salesman, the senator settles on a price of $45,000.

The senator and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. The senator decides on a four-year payment plan, and signs on the contract’s bottom line. The salesman shakes the senator’s hand and says, “Thanks, senator, the car will be ready for pickup in four years.”

The astonished senator says, “What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?”

The salesman replies, “No, you don’t understand, senator. You make payments for four years … THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan.”

The senator, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, “But that’s not fair.”

And the salesman says, “Tell me about it!”

***

A rancher friend needed some part-time help, so he advertised in the student newspaper of the nearby land-grant university. Within a day, he had an applicant and hired the guy.

The first day the rancher tells the new-hire his first job is to clean out the horse stalls. The aggie college student is furious about the job assignment and complains loudly. “Sir, don’t you know that I have a degree in animal science and am working on a doctorate in equine science? I’ve been attending the university for six years, and the first thing you ask me to do is clean the horse stalls.”

The rancher looks his new-hire up and down, shrugs, and replies, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know that. Here pass me the pitchfork and I’ll show you how to clean the stalls.”

***

After that story, I’d better quit before you decide to clean my clock. Until next week, remember these words of wisdom about higher education. I have no idea who first penned them: “College is a fountain of knowledge … and the students are there to drink.”

Have a good ‘un.