Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 3-7-11
March 7, 2011
I know spring is around the corner becuz last week I helped a neighbor plant seeds in his new greenhouse. He’s going to grow my tomato and pepper seedlings for me this year. It was nice to get a little dirt under my fingernails and get started on this year’s gardening. It wuzn’t much, but it wuz a start.
One summer, a rural pastor moved into a new farming community and decided the best way to get acquainted with everyone was to visit in the homes of his parishioners.
All went well one warm morning, but his first stop in the afternoon puzzled him. The family car wuz in the driveway. The door wuz unlocked and the windows were open to let in the breeze. When he went up to the house and knocked on the door, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, to not make his trip to the home a total waste of time, the minister took out a business card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the screen door.
He thought no more about the incident until the offering plate in church was processed the following Sunday. In it he found that his business card had been returned with a $20 bill clipped to it. But, added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”
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Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”
Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”
I know the spring 4-H and FFA junior livestock shows are coming soon all over my column territory. So, this week, I’m going to discuss a new product designed to help youngsters display their steers and heifers to more advantage in the show ring. It’s my latest New Millennium AgriTechnomics invention.
This invention prevents one of the most disheartening things that can happen to a little feller or gal the first few times they enter the beef show ring. It’s a pretty intimidating episode in their young lives because they know there’s a lot riding on the outcome of the judging.
The big ol’ judge and the ringmen look and act pretty stern. The big crowd, including family members and 4-H club leaders and teachers, is watching intently.
In all the hubbub, the only rule they can remember about showing their steer or heifer is to use their showstick to set up their animal to keep its back level.
But, here’s what happens too often. The kid enters the ring with a wooden showstick that’s way too long for him/her to use effectively. The kid repeatedly drops the stick into the manure or accidentally pokes a nearby animal causing it to panic. Or, even sadder, the kid’s using one of those two-piece metal showsticks that falls apart in the middle of the judging and disrupts the whole class.
When any of this stuff happens, it usually renders the youngster into cascading tears and after the show the kid says from now on he/she is going to show only rabbits and poultry.
Well, all those bad scenarios can fade into the past if the youngster enters the show ring with its animal and the kid is carrying my Jack-Um-Up Showstick. It’s short enuf and lightweight enuf for even the smallest kid to handle it well.
Here’s how it works. Every time the steer or heifer stops walking, the kid places the Jack-Um-Up Showstick under the critter’s bellybutton, slyly moves the jackhandle up and down until the animal’s back is perfectly level.
It works almost every time and I have testimonials from happy kids, parents, grandparents, project leaders and teachers saying they get three times as many grand champions and reserve grands from kids using my Jack-Um-Up Showstick as compared to when they used the old fashioned, unwieldy wooden or two-part metal showsticks.
The modest cost is a small price to pay for developing self-confidence in a youngster that will pay dividends for a lifetime.
I heard about a farmer out over-seeding clover into his pastures when he ran over a glass jug with his ATV and out popped an agrarian genie. The genie said she would grant the farmer one wish.
“OK, I want to live forever,” the farmer said.
“Sorry” replied the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”
“Fine,” the farmer said, “I want to die after the Democrats and the Republicans start working together for the betterment of America and after the commodity futures markets quit being manipulated.”
“You are one crafty farmer,” replied the fairy, shaking her head in amazement.
Since I discussed cattle showing this week, I’ll end up with these words of wisdom from cattle show woman Ashley Thompson: “Showing cattle is based on one man’s opinion, on one day, at one time … tomorrow it may be different.”
Have a good ‘un.