Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 4-4-11
April 4, 2011
Ol’ Nevah and I, and four friends, took a few days off and went to Hot Springs, Ark., to have fun, watch the ponies run, and hopefully bring home more money than we took with us. I can report that everything worked out as planned, except for the money part. For sure, we didn’t come home with more dollars than we took.
However, while I wuz there, I wagered on 26 races and lost a total of $85, so that was pretty cheap entertainment for three days compared to football or basketball tickets, keeping horses for a hobby, owning a pleasure boat, or a lot of other entertaining diversions.
One funny thing happened while the six of us were eating breakfast one morning. One of my friends wuz the first to order, but by the time the sixth of us had ordered, my friend had changed his mind and told the friendly waitress he’d like to change his order a bit.
Without an inkling that she wuz pulling his leg, the waitress seriously replied, “No, you can’t. I used a pen, not a pencil, to write down your order and I can’t change it.”
My friend’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped in disbelief, but before he could get riled up, the waitress laughed and said she wuz only kidding. But the rest of our party sure had a good laugh at his expense.
When the same waitress came with our food, she said no one should ask for a “doggy bag” because her restaurant chain required that everyone clean up his or her plate. Then she laughed again and said, “No, not really!”
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On our way home we wended our way out of Arkansas from my friend’s home in Rogers, via Gravette – where my pappy, ol’ Czar E. Yield went to school for a few years during the Great Depression – and on to Maysville, a town that’s half in Arkansas and half in Oklahoma. Then we traveled through Jay, Grove, Bluejacket and Welch, all in Oklahoma, then through Chetopa, Kan., and then to Parsons, Kan., where we visited to two other couples who are old friends from the years we lived there.
All in all, it wuz a great five-day trip and one we’ll remember for a long time.
When I got home, I stopped to see my buddy, ol’ Avery Ware, for some advice on planting clover and alfalfa. When we got to talking about my horse racing trip, Avery related a true story that happened years ago at the Aksarben race track in Omaha, Neb., when that track wuz in its heyday.
Seems that Avery and his friend Frank, and their wives, made the trip to Aksarben and during their second day at the track, Frank’s wife got on a lucky streak and began cashing winning tickets.
That wuz OK with Frank until his wife got to rubbing it in too much for his satisfaction about her winning and him losing. Shortly after she’d gotten under Frank’s skin, Frank’s luck turned on a dime. Every race for the rest of the afternoon, Frank not only cashed a ticket, but for the winning horse.
His wife commented on Frank’s change of luck and Frank said he’d started studying the form charts on the horses a lot more closely before he wagered.
Finally, Avery and Frank went to the betting window to bet on the last race and Avery commented about Frank’s change of luck. Avery said Frank turned to him, winked and smiled real big and said, “It’s not hard to pick the winner of every race when you bet $2 to win on every horse in the field. I’m not making any money, but I sure got my wife shut up.”
Well, the lambing season is winding up for a lot of sheep raisers and it’s “lamb banquet time” for coyotes, foxes, cougars, dogs and eagles. Lamb losses from predation can ruin profits on a good lamb crop.
Now, experienced sheep producers know there are a lot of ways to cut predation on sheep – tight fencing, more night lights, guard dogs, guard donkeys and guard llamas are a few of the ways – and they’re all expensive.
Thankfully for sheep producers, one of my New Millennium AgriTechnomics inventions will solve your sheep predation problems once and for all – and cheaply, too.
My invention – Lamb-O-Flage – is based upon the simple fact that a predator can’t kill a sheep or a lamb that it can’t see. And, as you can see in the illustration, a predator can’t see a sheep wearing Lamb-O-Flage.
To make your Lamb-O-Flage more effective, I market it in three handy patterns – Field Stalk, Woodland, or the one that’s most effective with my flock at Damphewmore Acres, Junk Yard.
For just a couple of bucks per sheep, your predation problems will be a thing of the past.
Well, I’d best get past this column with these words of wisdom about horse racing from comedian W.C. Fields: “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
Have a good ‘un.