Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 5-23-11 | TheFencePost.com
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Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 5-23-11

Heard a second-hand story lately that brought back memories of my childhood. This incident didn’t happen to me, but it could have.

It happened to my friend, ol’ Koverdin Greene, back in the days when every farm family had a milk cow or a small milking herd. “Kove” says he wuz too small to actually milk the cows, but he wuz big enuf to be of help in the milk barn.

His regular jobs were putting feed in the stanchions for the cows and bucket-feeding the calves. However, one muggy, spring evening the cows were uncomfortable, and we all know that uncomfortable milk cows are edgy and irritable.

Well, one contrary old cow wuz stomping around in the stanchion, nearly overturning the milk bucket as Kove’s dad milked her. On top of that, she wuz switching her tail at the flies and making Kove’s dad irritable, too.

Finally, ol’ Dad called Kove over and told him to hold the cow’s tail straight out behind her so she couldn’t switch her tail.

Of course, Kove did as he wuz told, but just about the time he got settled holding the cow’s tail, the old gal coughed real big and – since she’d been eating a lot of watery green grass – she expelled a giant squirt of watery green bovine excrement right on poor little ol’ Kove – covered him from head to toe.

In my mind’s eye, I can see it happening. Can’t you?

***

Heard a funny true story that happened during this spring planting season.

It happened to one of those farmers who farms a lot of crop land – enuf that he can’t get to all the work himself, so he hired temporary help.

Now this farmer purchased some new land last winter and it comprised a lot of fields on all sides of the nearby roads and on both side of some little creeks.

The crop of choice on the new farm land wuz corn. So, a few days after all the land wuz worked up for corn, the farmer sent his temporary help out with the corn planter with instructions “to plant it all.”

The temporary help planted all the biggest fields and then went to hop-scotching around planting all the smaller fields. Well, he finally came to a smaller field that wuzn’t worked up as nice as all the others, so the temp called the owner and said he wuzn’t sure about planting that field.

The new owner, obviously distracted and in a hurry, told the guy on the planter, “Go ahead. I want it all in corn.”

And that, my friends, is how the new landowner’s new neighbor got one of his fields planted to corn with no labor or expense to himself.

***

That little story reminds me of a big farmer I knew in Iowa who farmed so big and all over the county that he forgot to harvest 40 acres of corn for one of his little old lady landlords.

She called him and inquired about when he was going to shell her field of corn.

Of course, he apologized and had to get one of his already-winterized combines out of the shed and go shell her cornfield in the snow.

***

It’s been awhile since I heard from my ol’ buddy A.C. Doocey from Asbury, Mo. You’ll recall that A.C. has an ongoing problem with alcohol. In short, he drinks too much and too often and it usually gets him into trouble.

When I called up A.C. and asked him how things have been going for him, he replied, “Well, Milo, I went to a big party in Joplin last weekend.”

“Did you have fun?” I asked.

“Yep, I did. I really tied one on. But, I discovered a new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving.”

“How so?” I inquired, knowing full well I wuz gonna get an unorthodox answer from ol’ A.C.

He replied, “Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.”

“That was smart,” I continued. “Usually you do something stupid when you’re drunk.”

“Not this time,” A.C. assured me. “I arrived home safe and sound. But I will admit I was really surprised when I sobered up in the morning and realized I have never driven a bus before.”

Typical A.C.

***

Well, it’s typical that I end up my columns with some words of wisdom: Both of these are anonymous quotes about busses: “The only person whose problems are all behind him is probably a school bus driver.” And, “A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.”

Have a good ‘un.


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