Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 6-27-11
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.
This is the big time of year for rodeos. So, I thank a thoughtful Colorado reader for this timely, funny rodeo story:
A rodeo contestant had spent so many years on the rodeo circuit that he knew his really competitive years were behind him. But the competitive fire still burned in his belly and he decided to hit the rodeo circuit one more year and try to hit the all-around jackpot payoff at the end of the year.
However, he knew that he needed to get in great physical shape to stay up with the younger cowboys, so he went to a nearby gym/physical training facility and asked the owner, “can you whip me into shape in six weeks?”
The owner referred the cowboy to his best physical trainer, and the PT guy asked one question: “How good a shape do you want to get into?”
The cowboy looked around the gym and spied a beautiful brunette working out with the weights. He looked at the PT guy, winked, and said, “I need to get into good enough shape that I’ll impress that good looking gal over there.”
The PT guy winked back and said, “No problem. We have a machine here that, if you use it right and regularly, will definitely get that gal’s attention and impress her.”
The aging cowboy grinned and said, “Just show me that machine.”
The trainer pointed and said, “The ATM is located just inside the door.”
My good buddy Willie Makitt, who lives down by Mt. Vernon, Mo., has a houseful of dogs. He and his dogs are inseparable. They go everywhere together.
Well, a week or so ago, Willie had to go to his bank on bizness and, of course, one of his dogs accompanied him into the bank.
But then a bad thing happened. As Willie wuz attending to his banking bizness, his dog decided to do its bizness right in the middle of the bank lobby.
When the tellers, some customers, and ol’ Willie discovered what the dog had done, ol’ Willie never let it faze him a bit. He said in a loud voice, “Well, that about balanced my account. I took out some cash and my dog did a deposit.”
With that, ol’ Willie and his dog walked out of the bank with both of their heads held high.
When I wuz driving through southern Illinois and through the Ohio and Mississippi River bottoms on my way home from Tennessee a few weeks ago, I looked at all the flooded and muddy fields along the way and wished all those poor farmers could avail themselves of one of my most useful New Millennium AgriTechnomics inventions – the Expand-O-Wheel Tractor.
It’s an invention that lets the farmer avoid one of rural America’s most embarrassing situations – getting his tractor stuck in the mud. Here’s how it usually happens to you: You make a stupid decision to go through, not around, a mud hole in your field. If that has never happened to you, hold up your hand. Be honest, hold up your hand because every one of us has mired our tractor.
Then comes the embarrassing part. You can roust your wife out of the warm house to come give the tractor an urgent pull with another tractor or the pickup truck. We all know how well that sets with the missus. You’ll likely get a cool reception, and no warm supper, when evening rolls around.
Or, you can go the other embarrassing route and call your neighbor for help. And, you know the first thing he’s going to do when he sees your tractor is laugh out loud or at least snicker into his shirt sleeve. You just know as soon as he’s pulled your tractor out of the mud hole that he’s going to head to the coffee shop or the grain elevator to spread your sorry story throughout the community.
Well, neither of those embarrassing things will happen to you if you own an Expand-O-Wheel Tractor – or as I call it the EOWT. With the EWOT, when you get stuck in the mud, don’t call your wife out of the house or your neighbor out of his field to help you.
All you have to do is push one little button on the instrument panel and a series of 24-inch, hydraulic “walking pads” emerge from the tires. Another lifts the front tires of the tractor. Together, they lift your tractor out of its rut, and you simply “walk” your tractor to higher and drier ground.
Don’t worry about the cost. There’s no cost that’s too high to avoid an embarrassing moment that would become the talk of the neighborhood. Plus, there’s another feature on the EWOT that will let it pay for itself in fuel savings. When you’re doing regular farming on dry ground, just expand the rear wheels and leave the front-end in the “down” position. That way you’ll always be farming downhill and saving expensive diesel or gasoline every turn of the wheels. What could be simpler?
Well, lest you think of me as a simpleton for rambling on and on, I’ll close for this week with a few words – not necessarily wise words – about mud. Some dude named Robin Day said, “I think it’s really important to use your hands and get close to materials. To be up close to real things like rain and mud; to have contact with nature.”
I hope we get some mud to help us get back to nature around here soon. It’s dry!
Have a good ‘un.