Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 6-4-12 | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 6-4-12

A few days ago ol’ Lon G. Horner and I were swapping stories about our long-deceased papas. Lon told me a funny story about his dad that I just have to pass along. 

It all happened decades ago when about every adult man carried a book of paper matches in his pocket for all those times when an instant fire wuz needed.

Well, on this day Lon’s dad wuz doing some kind of hard work, probably bucking hay bales, that caused a lot of activity around the pockets of his jeans or overalls.

All of a sudden, the old man stopped working, started yelling in pain, and simultaneously slapping at his pockets and trying to exodus his pants.

Yep, seems the friction of the work somehow ignited the entire book of paper matches in the old guy’s pockets.

Lon says his dad escaped with only minor burns – but what really burned him wuz the way his kid had a good laugh at his expense.

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I have a good friend in town who needed a tank of water, so he and his son-in-law took a truck loaded with an empty water tank and drove to a low water bridge where they could pump the tank full from the stream and be on their way.

Except for one thing. They forgot about the existence of Murphy’s Law about how if anything can go wrong, it will.

Everything went peachy keen until they had the water tank full. When they attempted to turn the rig around in a nearby gate, the driver miscalculated his aim on the gate and plopped the rear wheels of the truck into a steep ditch.

That’s when the weight of the water tank took over the enterprise and elevated the cab of the truck into the air – leaving the pair of water pilferers high and dry above the road below.

Thanks to the assistance of a passing farmer with a tractor, the truck wuz soon pulled out of the ditch with no damage done except to my friends’ pride.

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Did you hear about the farmer who came into a rural bar and ordered a bloody Mary with an olive. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar? 

Then he ordered the same drink and did the same thing. After a couple hours, when he was full of drinks and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”

“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “Ol’ Joe does that every time his wife sends him out for a jar of olives.”

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Thanks to an Oklahoma reader for this story. There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. 

A middle-aged farm wife comes home late at night from a church meeting and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. Enraged, she picks up her husband’s wooden walking cane and pounds the blanket as hard as she can about 10 times.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to cool her temper, but as she passes the living room, she’s startled to see her husband there watching the Leno show on TV.

“Hi, hon,” he says, “I see you made it home OK. I know you’ll be pleasantly surprised that your parents came for an unannounced visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

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And from central Kansas comes this one.

One day a feed salesman stopped by the Yoder farm and knocked. Mrs. Yoder came to the door and the salesman asked politely, “Is your husband home, ma’am?” 

“Sure is,” she replied. “He’s over in the cow barn.”

“That’s good, I’ve got some excellent new feed to show him. Will I have any difficulty finding him?”

“Shouldn’t have any difficulties,” Mrs. Yoder said.

“He’s the one with the beard.”

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I’m writing this a few days before Memorial Day and going to quit now to do a sobering little privilege of putting out the American flags in the local Hillside Cemetery. It’s sobering because it makes me stop and really appreciate all the sacrifices of the military folks buried there. I hope you had a similar appreciation on Memorial Day.

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Well, it’s time to shut my brain and fingers down for the week, so I’ll close with a few words of wisdom about beards from Minnie Pearl, the famous Grand Ol’ Opry comedienne. She said: “Kissing a man with a beard is a lot like going to a picnic. You don’t mind going through the bushes to get there!” 

Have a good ‘un.