Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 7-11-11
July 11, 2011
It’s getting hot around Damphewmore Acres, blazing hot. Got up to 103 yesterday and may beat that mark today. The last rain is long gone. I can’t haul water to my garden fast enuf to keep the ground from cracking open. It was a real firecracker on Independence Day.
An Ozarkian from southwest Missouri e-mailed me to tell me about the renaming of his local rural church. He said his church used to be called The Cathedral of the Ozarks.
But, he said that after a long series of shotgun weddings were performed at his church, the elders voted to change the name to The Winchester Cathedral.
I see the all-knowing government has changed its recommended food pyramid to a recommended “dietary plate.”
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I don’t know about you, but I’m already sick of what the government is feeding me. It has too much on it’s own plate to worry about mine.
Two livestock auctioneers from my neck of the woods, Charly Cummings of Yates Center, Kan., and Justin Dodson of Welch, Okla., recently earned the titles of World Champion Livestock Auctioneer and runner-up World Champion Livestock Auctioneer.
Cummings bested 32 other contestants in competition at the Upstate Livestock Exchange in Williamston, S.C. The competition was sponsored by the Livestock Marketing Association.
Third place went to Dustin Focht of Stillwater, Okla., also a part of my old stomping grounds.
Congrats to all the winners. They’re all a bunch of fast talkers. Every year I expect my good auctioneering buddy, ol’ Hayes T. Speaker, to be World Champion, but he never has.
In the summer, there are a lot of big farm shows and exhibitions. The next one on the agenda is the big Four State Farm Show near Pittsburg, Kan., July 15, 16, and 17.
I’ve got a new invention – The Corn Flaker – in my New Millennium AgriTechnomics series that I’d like to introduce during the Four State Farm Show, but I doubt that I could exhibit it there for two reasons. One, the established farm machinery companies would pressure to exclude the “Flaker” from the show because it would ruin their market for corn harvesters. They might even sue! And, two, the “Flaker” would draw such big crowds of interested corn farmers that it would overrun the show’s parking lots. So, I guess I’ll just have to limit the merchandising of the “Flaker” to internet sales.
Here’s the deal about the Corn Flaker. It does a lot of unique things a farmer needs to make a profit from his corn crop. First, after it snaps and shucks the corn ear, it lines the ears up in a row and elevates them so they pass between a pair of rollers that are heated to 300 degrees Fahrenheit and exert 5,000 pounds per square inch of pressure.
That heated squeezing does two things. First, it squeezes the corn oil out of the kernels and pumps it into an onboard tank. Second, it creates fully-cooked corn flakes, containing both the kernel and cob – and stashes them in a bin located both fore and aft of the rollers.
Any astute merchandising farmer can see the benefits of the “Corn Flaker.” He can easily bottle and sell the corn oil directly to the consumer via his farm’s website. Or, it can burn it himself as biodiesel.
But the real pay-off is in selling from his website (at premium niche market prices, I might add) those high-fiber corn flakes – remember they have the cobs in the flakes, too – directly to all the tree-huggers, whole grain nuts, and greenies who think they need a lot of fiber in their diets, and all the elderly folks who actually do need a lot of fiber in what they eat.
The direct marketing opportunities for direct-from-the-farm, high-fiber corn flakes is only going to grow as all the baby boomers continue to age.
Buy a “Corn Flaker” now and enjoy your new-found fortune – all thanks to my inventiveness. Cut out all those unneeded middlemen.
Oh, I forgot to mention that the “Flaker” has an optional small grain header so you can harvest and sell any kind of grain or bean oil or flake. That’s a big bonus.
Well, I’d better invent a way to close this column for the week. Guess I’ll quit with these words of wisdom about drought from Dwight Morrow. He said, “Any party which takes credit for the rain must not be surprised if its opponents blame it for the drought.”
Have a good ‘un.