Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 7-18-11
July 18, 2011
Summer brings Bible school to a lot of rural youngsters. One rural family decided to broaden their son’s religious horizon by sending him to an interdenominational Bible school in the city.
On the first day, the Bible school teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring to class the next day an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
When class opened the following day, the first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and these are my Rosary beads.”
The third student rose and said, “My name is Terry and I’m a Mormon and this is a picture of Temple Square in Salt Lake City.”
Finally the rural youngster got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a chicken casserole.”
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Summer also brings chiggers. For you folks in the High Plains or the Mountain West who don’t have to suffer those biting little buggers, you’re lucky to elude their pestilence.
Just for educational purposes, chiggers are tiny red mites that thrive in green grass and weeds and high humidity. We’ve had an abundance of all three here at Damphewmore Acres lately. Consequently, I’ve had an abundance of their swollen, itchy, oozy bites.
My back looks like I’ve been shot by buckshot from all the bites, and I won’t describe the other locations where I have bites except to say chiggers like to dig in at the most tender places under elastic bands or belts. I’ve gotten bites despite my best efforts of aversion – wearing gum boots, wetting the boots down with diesel fuel before I go outside, spraying with a variety of so-called insect repellants and washing down with rubbing alcohol after I come inside.
I swear, when I open the garage door to go outside, all the chiggers let out a chorus of “whoopees” in eager anticipation of a free meal – and providing me several days of scratching, cussing and sleeplessness.
To make matters worse, chiggers avoid some people like the plague and my good wife, ol’ Nevah Yield, luckily counts herself among those “chigger immune” folks. That fact leads to a reversal of roles when it comes to preserving our green beans from our garden. She picks the beans in the garden and I snap them in the kitchen. That way we both avoid chigger bites.
Speaking of chiggers, I know a little Missouri tyke, Flynn, who’s barely into the talking stage, whose daddy, ol’ Fromm D’Nunder, has taught him a clever saying. Before any member of his family goes outdoors, Flynn says, “Better put on the bug spray if you don’t want chiggers in your tackle box.”
Speaking of clever sayings, I know a middle-aged lady who says she only buys “Bird Dog” bras. You know, the kind that makes pointers out of setters.
Thanks to a kindly “donor” reader from Colorado for this new twist on an old story. A crafty old mountain lion used to hang around a Colorado mountain ranch looking for stray cattle. One day he saw a bull off by himself and managed to kill it after a mighty battle.
The bull was too heavy to drag off, so the mountain lion decided to just eat as much as he could hold. He ate and ate until he just couldn’t eat any more. This satiation made him feel really good, so he let out a big roar. That made him feel even better, so he roared again.
He kept it up until the rancher sneaked up on him and shot him.
The moral of the story: When you are full of bull, best to keep your mouth shut.
Got a Fourth of July visit from my old Iowa sheep shearing buddy, Nick deHyde, and his lovely wife Tanna.
We went to a ranch rodeo in Council Grove, which wuz followed by an appearance of that great American, Red Steagall, and his sidekick Badger.
It wuz a wonderful performance which wuz both entertaining and patriotic. Red makes you proud to be an American from cowboy country.
Well, I’ve spent a lot of this column complaining about a biting insect, and, consequently, I’ve taken too big a bite out of your valuable time. So, I’m gonna quit with a quote about insects from famed naturalist and sea explorer, Jacques Cousteau: “If we go on the way we have, the fault is our greed and if we are not willing to change, we will disappear from the face of the globe, to be replaced by the insect.”
Maybe, but please don’t let us be replaced by chiggers.
Have a good ‘un.