Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 7-4-11
July 5, 2011
I’m writing this column a few days after Father’s Day. I got a Father’s Day card that reveals that my kids and grandkids know I really like to fish. So, just for fun, here’s what the “message” in the card said:
“Holy Mackerel, you’re one great dad. No trout about it. You totally kick bass. Sure, you’re a Clown (think Elmo) sometimes, but you’re a hip cat, too – in tuna with the times. Without you, life would be crappie. The whole family would flounder. Cod go on, but long story short, your the greatest dad ever.”
Nuthin’ fishy about that card. It was pretty straight forward. And, I appreciated it greatly.
The Republicans already have so many candidates running for president that it no longer resembles a horse race. It’s more like a stampede of wild horses. They’re all running in the same direction, but you just know some of them are gonna run off the campaign trail and over the proverbial political cliff. Wonder which ones it will be?
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While I’m on the subject of politics, a good Colorado friend sent me an e-mail video of a speech that Ronald Reagan gave while he wuz on the campaign trail. I don’t remember him giving the speech, but it’s funny. So, I’m gonna repeat it here.
I know this story is partisan politics from a Republican standpoint, but Democrats can easily change the story to a partisan Democratic one by having Bill Clinton tell the story about Republicans. Here goes:
A Republican candidate for president was campaigning in a rural area that had voted Democratic for elections on end.
The candidate approached one farm home and a young rustic lad answered the door. The candidate introduced himself and said he would like to speak to the lad’s parents.
The boy said, “Sure, I’ll get them. They’ve never seen a Republican before.”
When the parents came to the door, they were so excited to see a Republican in the flesh that they told the candidate to wait out by the barn as they go round up all their neighbors to listen to the candidate’s speech.
Soon, there was a goodly crowd gathered near the barn and the candidate looked for a podium from which he could give his speech from a good vantage point. The only podium he could find was a pile of the stuff that Bess Truman said it took her 30 years to get Harry Truman so say – “manure.”
After the candidate finished his speech, he told the rural crowd that he appreciated their effort to come hear him and then, as an afterthought, the candidate admitted it wuz the first time he’d ever given a speech from a Democratic platform.
This is a story that dates back to the days before my youth. So, it’s an old one indeed.
An itinerant hired man named Cletus got a job on a prosperous farm. On his first day on the job, Cletus goes to work and is amazed to see his farmer/boss has a vessel from which he poured hot coffee all morning.
The befuddled Cletus finally asks his boss what that newfangled contraption is that keeps pouring hot coffee.
The farmer told Cletus, “It’s a thermos bottle. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Cletus is amazed, and when he gets home, he immediately goes out and buys a shiny new thermos bottle. The next day he comes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
His boss realizes Cletus has a new thermos and asks him, “What’s in it?”
Cletus proudly answers, “My favorites – chicken noodle soup and chocolate ice cream!”
A country judge was presiding over a case between two squabbling brothers who had taken each other to court to decide who would inherit the family farm.
When the judge banged his gavel to open the proceedings, he said, “I insist upon this being a fair trial. So, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The plaintiff’s lawyer has paid me $10,000 to swing the case his way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.
I have no defense for this column. So, I’d better quit with these words of wisdom about lawyers from former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Warren Burger. He said, “We are more casual about qualifying the people we allow to act as advocates in the courtroom than we are about licensing electricians.”
Well said. Have a good ‘un.