Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 8-15-11
Well, two days ago the temperature here at Damphewmore Acres wuz 114. Yesterday it cooled to just 110 degrees. Then, hooray, last night a front moved in, gave us a three-tenths of an inch shower and the temperature this morning was a chilly 72 degrees and the temp has reached only 85 degrees. It’s enuf to make a feller want to actually go outside and do something – anything.
My ol’ high school friend Canby Handy had a bit of bad luck recently. He may need to put his workmanship skills to work.
Here’s what happened. Canby has an electric fold-up garage door, equipped with an emergency-release rope in case the electricity ever goes out. He keeps his pickup truck on his side of the garage and before he heads to his “ranch,” he always loads his four-wheeler into the pickup before he backs out of the garage.
Well, recently he got his four-wheeler loaded and started backing out of his garage. As bad-luck would have it, the handle on the emergency release rope hooked onto the handlebar of the four-wheeler and put the garage door into free-fall.
It all happened too fast to stop and as a result, ol’ Canby now has a not-so-neatly crumpled garage door that will close manually with a little extra effort.
Heard this story from a faithful northwest Arkansas reader.
Two retired farmers, Bubba and Johnny Ray, were sittin’ on the front porch, sweating, chewing, spitting and drinking sweet iced tea at the same time when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
“I’m gonna do that when I win the lottery,” Bubba chuckled.
“Do what?” asked Johnny Ray.
“Send my grass out to be mowed,” Bubba replied as he took another sip and wiped his brow.
Might as well go on with the good ol’ Southern boy stories. Billy Joe, a Texas farmer/fisherman who lives smack in the middle of the terrible drought hitting the Lone Star State won a bass boat in a sportsman’s raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “What the heck you gonna do with that? There ain’t no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”
Billy Joe replies, “I know it. But I won it and I’m a gonna keep it.”
His brother Joe Bob comes over to visit several days later. He sees Billy Joe’s wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, “He’s out there in his bass boat,” pointing to a sun-fried cotton field behind the house.
Joe Bob heads out behind the house and, sure enuf, there’s Billy Joe sitting in a bass boat, fishing rod in his hand, making casts out through the cotton tinder.
He yells out to Billy Joe, “What the heck are you doing?”
Billy Joe replies, “I’m fishin.’ Can’t you tell or are you blind?”
Joe Bob yells, “It’s people like you that give Texans a bad name – makin’ everybody think we is stupid. Why, if I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt.”
A Missouri farmer adds a couple of “it’s so dry here” stories. He sez he got a 3-inch rain last week – the drops measured 3-inches apart.
He said that he found a snapping turtle that tried to cross the road in front of his house, but got stuck in the melted asphalt tar. Sez he pried that turtle loose, brought it in the house and ate it – fully cooked direct from the shell.
Sez he’s got frogs and crawdads that can’t swim and his air conditioner ain’t dripping enough water for the mud-daubers wasps to make a nest.
And, finally he sez the tumble dung-beetles are in trouble because every animal dropping hits the ground bone dry.
I read last week that one of America’s gunmakers is marketing a new handgun. The gun is called the Congressman.
It’s got three main features. You can buy it cheap. You can’t make it work. And, you can’t fire it!”
And, finally, from dried-up Oklahoma where the heat has everyone depressed comes these words of wisdom from a philosophical farmer.
• Don’t count on things being as bad as they can get.
• By the time you learn how to make ends meet, the ends move.
• Things are more like they are today than they’ve ever been before.
• There’s absolutely no substitute for lack of preparation.
• If you think there’s good in everybody, you ain’t met everybody yet.
• Everything in your life should be made simple, but no simpler.
• Sometimes too much to drink is not enuf.
I can’t add any more wisdom to the above. So, I’m gonna quit and do something pessimistic myself – go watch the stock market drop.
Have a good ‘un.
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