Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 8-26-13

Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

The deluge has continued. As of today, we’ve had more than 15 inches of rain here at Damphewmore Acres. Perhaps I should start building an ark.


A Baptist preacher in a small rural church went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning.

As it turned out, farmer Johnson was a producer of fine peach brandy. After the preacher invited him to join the congregation, the farmer — thinking he could safely void the invitation considering the Baptists’ tee-totaling reputation — told the preacher that he would attend his church the next Sunday on one condition — that the pastor drink a full glass of his peach brandy and promise to admit doing so in front of his congregation. To his surprise and consternation, the preacher readily agreed and drank the proffered glass of brandy in lip-smacking style.

True to his word, the next Sunday morning farmer Johnson went to church and sat in the front pew to be sure and catch every word of the preacher’s public admission to drinking.

The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said, “I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. Let us warmly welcome him in our midst. And, I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me — and the spirit in which they were given.”


Year’s ago, back in the horse and buggy days, an old eccentric widowed farmer — who’s spent the best part of his life with a nagging, overbearing wife — became a near-instant millionaire when massive amounts of crude oil were discovered on his land. Every well-hole drilled was a gusher.

Wallowing in wealth, in advancing age and with no heirs to his fortune, the eccentric hit upon a plan to distribute his wealth in an enjoyable way for him. He bought a fine team of horses and a fancy buggy and headed across the rural countryside with a satchel full of money — stopping at every farmstead and interviewing the husband and wife.

To every couple, he asked the same question. “Who is the boss in this house?”

His plan wuz to give money for a free horse to every husband who owned up to being the boss of the house and money for only a chicken to every husband who was henpecked and subordinate to his wife.

Much to the eccentric’s surprise, at house after house the husbands turned out to be henpecked and received a free chicken. On no occasion had he found an assertive husband to which he could give a free horse.

At last though, he arrived at the house of a burly farmer, with a bristly, unshaven face, a deep bass voice and muscles like an ox. In the background was the farmer’s shriveled, meek and wizened wife.

The eccentric asked the burly farmer, “Are you the boss in this family, sir?”

The farmer leaned his head back, opened and closed both of his ham-like fists, and bellowed with laughter, “You bet, little man. What I say around here goes without question.”

Finally convinced he’d finally found a man who was boss of his own home, the eccentric said, “Because of your answer, I’ll give you money for a free horse. Do you want a white horse, a black horse, a bay horse, a sorrel horse, a gray horse, a roan horse, a palomino horse or a paint horse?”

The burly farmer tilted his head towards his wife and shouted, “Tilda, what color of horse should we get?”

Tilda responded instantly, “Take a roan horse.”

The eccentric responded instantly as quick, “Wrong response! Now ask her what color of chicken she wants you to choose.”


The political fighting in Washington continues unabated. Perhaps, if all Americans understood the following facts, they’d start electing statesman and stateswomen instead of self-serving politicians. Consider:

The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. They had 237 years to get it right and it is broke. Social Security was established in 1935. They had 77 years to get it right and it is broke. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. They had 74 years to get it right and it is broke. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. They had 42 years to get it right and it is broke. The War on Poverty started in 1964. They had 48 years to get it right and we have more poor folks than ever before with more money spent every year and no remedy for poverty in sight. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. They had 47 years to get it right and both programs are broke and escalating out of control. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. They had 35 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

And, now they want Americans to believe they can be trusted to run an efficient and effective government-run health care system? Given their track record, why should we?


I’ll close with these words of wisdom from columnist Thomas Sowell: “Much of social history of the Western world over the decades has been a history of replacing what worked with what sounded good.” Amen!

Have a good ’un. ❖