Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust | TheFencePost.com
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Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust

Wow! What a roller coaster ride in the weather! Last week I wuz writing my column and the weather wuz 10 degrees below zero, there wuz 10 inches of snow blowing every whichaway in 40 mph wind out of the north.

Today, a week later, I’m writing the column and it’s 74 degrees outside, the snow and ice is gone, and the wind is blowing 40 mph out of the south. Such is life in Kansas, the High Plains, and the inner-mountain West.

***

During last week’s blizzard, one morning I got an SOS call from my neighbor Mocephus to come help rescue a new baby Angus calf whose mother had somehow stranded and abandoned it in a high-banked, low-water creek. The calf had fallen through the thin ice and wuz soaked, chilled, and desperately needing a good feeding of warm colostrum.

When I arrived, together we muscled the calf up the bank and carried/pushed/coaxed it 100 yards to a fence where we loaded it into the warm pickup cab and headed for the calf rescue unit in the barn.

After reinforcements arrived, they got the calf warmed up and sucking. As I left the crew to head home and warm myself up I admonished the guys to be sure and not let that calf die becuz I wuz afraid, if it died, I’d probably get my memberships revoked in PETA, The Friends of Animals, and the Humane Society.

I’m happy to report the calf wuz reclaimed by its mama and survived. My precious memberships are safe for the time being.

***

Well, it’s time to fulfill the promise I made last week and show you how you can “double-crop” that grain field of yours that you got 100 percent payment from your crop insurance policy after you went over it with my Claim Reaper.

Let’s reset the scenario. Your corn field was mature when it got hit by a little hail or wind damage. But after a Claim Reaper treatment to your field, all the corn grain is now scattered all over the ground. You wish you could somehow gather up that “bumper” crop that is now going to waste.

Well, Milo Yield to the rescue. I invented a new type of crop harvester to solve your problem. It’s called the Vac Q Reaper.

It works like this: The main feature is a “Super Sucker Header” that works like a giant crop field vacuum cleaner. When you flip the Super Sucker into gear and drive across your field, it sucks all the grain and weed seeds up off the ground and – after going through a series of screens and separators – deposits them into separate hopper partitions.

You then get to sell 100 percent of your “rescued” grain on top of your insurance payment you got from the Claim Reaper treatment. Thus, the “double-crop” feature. Plus, you get the added benefit of eliminating the need for costly herbicide treatments since your field no longer has any broadleaf or grassy weed seeds on the surface.

An added benefit is that you can undoubtedly sell all those weed seeds you collected for a big premium at a nearby big-city organic food cooperative. Ain’t nuthin’ those yuppies, aging hippies and tree huggers like more than to spend their disposable income on 100 percent natural, organic seeds that contain lots of fiber and essential nutrients. So, if the market’s there, why not accommodate it with the Vac Q Reaper?

One more big feature of the Vac Q Reaper is that during a drought or dry spell, you can suck water up into the hopper, then change the vacuum into a blower and you’ve got a portable irrigation machine that sprays out water at any adjustable header height. Pretty neat, huh, a multi-tasking piece of farm machinery?

***

That New Millennium AgriTechnomics invention has probably blown your mind, so I might as well quit trying to squeeze any more learnin’ into it this week. So, I’ll quit with this mental tidbit of wisdom from inventor and scientist Nikola Tesla: “I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success.” I hope you’re as thrilled as I am over my inventiveness. Have a good ‘un.


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