Milo Yield: Makeup, age mistake mishaps and more | TheFencePost.com

Milo Yield: Makeup, age mistake mishaps and more

Holy Toledo, folks. Three days ago it wuz 80 degrees, with a soft wind out of the southwest, and the crappie were biting for my friend Mocephus and me. Today it's 33 degrees, the wind's out of the north, and it's been snowing for the past two hours. It's not sticking, but it's pretty cold and miserable.

I'm afraid the cold snap forecast for this weekend will put an early end to my apricot and early peach crop, but I'll just hope for the best.

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Got a couple of funnies for you this week. The first comes from a guy in Strong City, ol' Tryan Solder, who grew up in Yates Center, Kan. He wuz installing a new water heater in our home — the old one wuz 16 years old, and leaking — and found out that in my callow youth, I used to party at Ollie's Tavern in Piqua, Kan. Although I'm quite a few years older than the storyteller, we shared good times at Piqua in our youth.

Tryan told this story from his equally-callow youth. I'll remind you that those were back in the good, or perhaps, bad, ol' days when the legal beer drinking age in Kansas wuz 18.

He and a buddy and their gal friends went to one of the famous weekend dances in Piqua where they all proceeded to get intoxicated, especially Tryan's pal.

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Well, after the dance wuz over, the group got a craving for an early morning breakfast and the only place open at that time of night was the BETO Junction restaurant north of Burlington.

I'll mention that BETO is the junction of Interstate 35 and Highway 75 and the name comes from its proximity to Burlington, Emporia, Topeka and Ottawa.

Tryan said he wuz driving and his buddy passed out in the back seat and the girls took the opportunity to get out all their makeup from their purses and they proceeded to apply generous amounts of lipstick, rouge, eye-shadow, etc., to the face of the inebriated fellow.

When they arrived at BETO, they awoke the "decorated fellow" — who wuz totally unaware of his "clownish" makeup — and they traipsed into the restaurant, whereas all the late-night truckers, travelers, cooks and waitresses got the humorous sight of their lives. But they all sensed a prank underway and kept their mouths shut to see what would happen next.

The waitress took their collective order amidst giggles and in due time their food and coffee arrived. Everyone ate their food and sobered up quite a bit during the meal.

When they finished eating, Tryan said that his buddy went into the bathroom and emerged in a blathering rage after he saw his "decorated" face in the mirror and realized the prank that had been pulled on his.

"We almost had a fist-fight there for awhile before he calmed down," Tryan said. "But then we all had a good laugh at his expense — as well as all the restaurant patrons and employees."

***

The second funny came from the mouth of young folks who have no real concept of the passage of time. It happened to my brother-in-law, ol' Charl Lay, who also happens to live in Yates Center.

One recent morning Charl invited two of his sister's early-elementary-school-age great-grandsons, who were visiting her for a few days, to accompany him on his cattle feeding and cow-calving morning chores.

It wuz in February right around President's Day and, when Charl started asking about the boy's school activities, he discovered the boys had been studying all about George Washington and Abe Lincoln.

As they drove from pasture to pasture the boys prattled on about Washington's chopping down the cherry tree, his false teeth, his role as the general who won the Revolutionary War, etc.

And, Abe Lincoln got into the conversation for growing up in a log cabin, winning the Civil War, passing the Emancipation Proclamation, getting assassinated, his cross-country funeral cortege by train, etc.

About that time, Charl pointed out a pickup truck meeting them and the driver wuz the kid's grandpa. At some point, one of the boys asked Charl if "he and grandpa were in school together in Yates Center."

Charl replied that "yes," they were, "but he's older than me and it was a long time ago."

Then, just as innocently as a lamb and as sincerely as a judge, one of the boys asked Charl, "Was George Washington president back then?"

I got a good belly-laugh from the story and mentioned to Charl that he was really a lot older than I thought.

***

Read the other day that in Scottsdale, Ariz., a redneck saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Chicago."

So the guy proceeded to break out a window, shoot out all four tires, added an anti-Tea Party sticker to the bumper and left a note that read: "Hope this helps"

***

Overheard at the local farmer's coffee shop; "A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him. All to no avail."

***

Ending up with some "old age" wisdom to share:" The biggest lie I tell myself is, 'I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.'" Also, "I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off." And, "I'm going to retire and live off of my savings; not sure how I'll get by after that second week." And, the most wise saying of all: "Old age is coming at a really bad time!"

Enuf. Have a good 'un. ❖