Milo Yield: Old farmer impresses entire congregation
October 14, 2016
OK, two young cowboys — both full of vinegar — stop at the local bakery shop in the early dawn on their way to gather cattle. As soon as they enter the bakery, one of the young bucks reaches into the donut unit and slips three donuts into his jacket pocket.
He whispers to his buddy, "See how slick and clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I've got three donuts for free."
His friend says, "What you've done is dishonest and deceitful and shows you've probably shoplifted things all your life. You could have gotten three free donuts in an honest way and had a clean conscience."
The first cowboy bowed up and challenged his buddy, "I don't believe you. Show me."
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,”
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So the second cowboy saunters up to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a donut and I''ll show you a magic trick. I'll eat your donuts and I won't eat them at the same time."
Intrigued, the owner gives him a donut. The hungry cowboy snarfs it down and asks for another, and he eats it as well. Then he asks for a third donut and he eats that one, too.
The owner is starting to wonder what the trick is and asks, "I saw you eat three of my donuts. How can you claim you didn't eat them?"
The second cowboy says, "Look in my buddy's jacket pocket."
An ancient farmer, well into his 90s, was visiting his daughter and the family decides to attend church services at a nearby country church.
As it turned out, the minister's sermon topic for the day was "forgiveness."
Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
The majority of the parishioners held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. This time everyone responded, except for the visiting elder-farmer.
The minister looked disapprovingly down from the pulpit at the old farmer and said, "Sir, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
The minister continued, "Sir, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," the old fellow replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
The minister softened a bit and said, "Sir, you must be a pillar of virtue. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old fellow tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned to face the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them worthless scoundrels."
Then he calmly returned to his seat.
Since I'm on a roll with sin, forgiveness and the elderly, I might as well throw in one more story that sort of involves all three — plus wisdom.
An elderly farmers attends a football game in the stadium of his alma mater — his state's land-grant university. He found himself seated next to a very self-important, and very vocal, college freshman. The brazen young man took it upon himself to explain his major was in information technology and then proceeded to lecture the senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen and self-driving cars, computers with light-speed processing, and…."
And, when he paused to take another breath, the elderly farmer took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. My generation didn't have those things when we were young …. so we invented them for your generation. Now, I ask you what are you doing for the next generation?"
That gentleman might not be quick on the hoof, but there wuz nuthin' wrong with his wit and wisdom.
Here are some nuggets of wisdom to polish off this week's column, compliments of a caring reader who wanted to make my life easier.
• My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
• Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
• Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
• The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
• God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
• I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
• Every morning is the dawn of a new error, but you should still aspire to inspire before you expire.
And, finally, this quote from the famous Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" Have a good 'un. ❖