Milo Yield: Tales from the grill during barbecue season
July 8, 2016
A wealthy rancher wuz sitting around the kitchen table with his family on Father's Day when he told his son, "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
His son replied, "No, dad, I'll marry the girl that I want to. One that I fall in love with."
The wealthy rancher told him, "It's Ted Turner's granddaughter that runs his ranching enterprises that I have picked out for you."
His son raised his eyebrows and replied, "Well, in that case, my answer is 'Yep.' It's okay with me."
So the wealthy rancher got in contact with Ted Turner and told him, "I want your granddaughter to marry my son."
"No," Ted Turner instantly shot back.
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Then the rancher told Ted Turner, "But, my son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Ted Turner's voice softened and he replied, "Well, I just didn't understand. I'll make the marriage arrangement happen with my granddaughter."
Then the wealthy rancher went to visit with the President of the World Bank and told him, "I want you to make my son CEO of the World Bank.
"No. Quit wasting my valuable time," The arrogant banker said.
So the wealthy rancher told the banker, "My son is Ted Turner's son-in-law."
"Now that's more like it. I'll have his office ready for him next Monday," The banker replied.
Now, the above story isn't true, but it does illustrate exactly how the global political system works.
A couple of days after Father's Day, we received the following email from a lady friend of ours who lives with her husband in Springfield, Mo. She said it wuz appropriate for Father's Day and the summer barbecue season. I agree. Here's the gist of her story:
We are about to enter the barbecue season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory 3-meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
Then, (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again: 8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all: (11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
And lastly: (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off," and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
At a wedding ceremony in a cozy little pastoral church, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young stunningly beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
I have proof that advertising pays. Last week I said that Milo's Free Kitten Store wuz in desperate need of inventory downsizing. It had five kittens to give away.
Well, the crisis is solved. In each of my two live animal traps, I tied a ball of cotton to a thread and tied the thread above the trap trigger. I figgered the playful kittens couldn't resist going into the traps to play with the swinging balls of cotton. I figgered right. I had all five kittens caught within one evening and the next morning.
A neighbor girl fell in love with the two tiger-striped kittens and took both. Another neighbor, ol' Harley Ryder, took the other three and sez they are going to a good farm home near Alta Vista, Kan.
The mama cat is still cozy with my pup Mandy and all is fine with the world.
The Kansas wheat harvest is winding up in this area and yields are better than expected. My ol' buddy from Pratt, Claude Hopper, reports his best wheat harvest ever — one field made 85 bushels and the other 70 and the test weight wuz 65 pounds. Now, that's good wheat!
Our grandson, Noah, from Tennessee, with three of his college buddies overnighted with us on their way to work at a Wilderness Camp in Colorado. I'd promised them good steaks and free lodging if they stopped.
Well, we grilled them 1 1/2 inch thick beef fillets that were like a small roast and sent them on their well-sated way the next morning after a hearty breakfast. It wuz a fun 14-hour visit with upstanding young college guys.
I'll close with this fictitious barbecue quote from William Shakespeare: "'Tis better to have burnt and lost then never to have barbecued at all."
Have a happy Fourth of July.❖