Charolais Charlie and Limousin Larry | TheFencePost.com

Charolais Charlie and Limousin Larry

Mark Twain was a notable commentator, humorist and an honest man. His take on government, policy-making and legislation applies as solidly today as it did back then. Some of his quotable remarks:

"We have the best government money can buy."

"It's easier to fool people, than to convince them they have been fooled."

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it."

"If voting made any difference, the government wouldn't let us do it."

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"No man's liberty or property is safe while legislators are in session."

Read on for a commentary NOT written by M. Twain, but hey — the sentiment matches.

There's a huge discussion going on in the bull pen — you could call it a political debate. The problem seems to be who gets to lead the cattle herds down assorted primrose paths after the upcoming elections.

Charolais Charlie, a born-again bull and Limousin Larry, a rather uppity bovine with wiggly eyebrows, are opposing one another for the chance to tell all other cattle how to live.

Limousin Larry likes to beller platitudes. He makes his points by stomping his right front hoof several times, belching his cud in public while declaring his love for all cows, especially senior cows.

On the other hand, Charolais Charlie avidly states he can't trust ordinary cattle to find their own way around a feedlot. He declares in a voice that sounds like old chewing gum, "I believe feedlots are unnecessary, unless there's a lot of feed to dole out and then the feed should be allocated by feeding vouchers."

As is the law, any member of the general bovine herd who has reached his or her majority, even if he or she is a steer, has the right to vote behind curtained stalls. In the more technologically advanced cattle centers, the herd members vote by poking electronic devices.

No matter how the voting may be done, controversy, of course, will always arise. Charolais Charlie will claim his vote count to be greater than Limousin Larry's and loser Larry should go take a flying leap.

On the other hand, Limousin Larry will declare that all votes should be recounted again and again. If he doesn't get his way, he will throw a tantrum. After that, both sides will indubitably hire lawyers.

After taking written arguments from Limousin Larry and Charolais Charlie's legal teams, an impartial panel of Galloping Goats will decide to hold confirmation hearings for a week. On day one, Charlie and Larry will go — dressed in spandex — to a mat where they will play mumbly peg. Winner of two out of three games will have bragging rights.

On day two, the political competitors, CC and LL, will play poker. Bragging rights will go to the winner of two out of three poker hands.

On day three, four and five, both bulls will swim three laps each day in the varmint-infested Florida Everglades. Judges will apply guideline rules to the event according to weight, length of arm-stroke, and size of dry-off towel. As usual, bragging rights will go to whomever is deemed to be the winner.

Good news: On day six, the Galloping Goats panel will have decided that both competing bulls will have come out even-steven in number of competitions and tests won or lost. The Galloping Goats will then determine that the position of Herd Leader will be shared. One six-day week for Charolais Charlie bull, one six-day week for Limousin Larry bull. A flipped coin will determine who takes office first.

On day seven, both bulls will be required to shade up and shut up. (Works for me). ❖